


The Separation

by Ava_now



Series: Barisi Dads AU--The Tween Years [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Betrayal, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Nonsexual Ageplay, Past Child Abuse, Phone Sex, Play Therapy, Setting Boundaries, Shower Sex, breach of confidences, children's musical performances, healthy coparenting, kid sleepovers, marital fighting, marital separation, potential child abuse, psychological child trauma, talk therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:27:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27594799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: When Sonny expressed his concern, they had talked about it.  They had stopped the play.  He had been under the impression the two of them would be talking about it together, like they had  with every other concern in their marriage.  He didn’t know which hurt more--the complete violation of trust, or that Sonny actually felt he had a problem.*****Sonny and Rafael have been happily married for twelve years, raising their young daughter, Marlene, who is now ten years old.  But after a date night goes awry, Sonny breaches Rafael's trust by reaching out to Olivia for advice.  What follows ends up breaking hearts, and possibly, their marriage.
Relationships: Olivia Benson & Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba & Sonny Carisi & Jesse Rollins & Billie Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Sonny Carisi & Amanda Rollins
Series: Barisi Dads AU--The Tween Years [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015269
Comments: 90
Kudos: 65





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi and thanks for reading!
> 
> This is going to be a multichapter fic that details Sonny and Rafael's marital separation. One of the issues that is going to be detailed is some nonsexual ageplay between the two. I want to be very clear that this is completely NONSEXUAL. Neither gains any sexual gratification from it, rather, they experience emotional comfort and nurturing. Throughout the next several chapters, it will become clear as to how this practice started and that it's been going on for awhile in their relationship. Things that may not be completely clear in the first chapter will be addressed later on, so be patient with me!
> 
> This is definitely a WIP, so just be aware that things may change, including titles and such. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are really appreciated! Thanks for reading!

Rafael closed his briefcase, and turned to leave the courtroom. He had known it would be difficult to get a new trial for his client, but he hadn’t counted on the judge shutting him down quite so quickly. And he hadn’t counted on it being due in part to Olivia Benson’s testimony, who still firmly believed in his client’s guilt.

He made it to the courthouse steps before he heard her calling his name. He was tempted to continue walking, but he couldn’t do that forever, he knew. He’d been avoiding her for weeks. He turned around to see her a few steps above him, stepping slowly toward him.

Sighing, he spoke. “Can I help you, Captain?” There were five steps between them, which she closed quickly.

“Rafael.” Her voice was gentle. “You’ve been ignoring me, my calls. Don’t you think it’s time we talk?”

“And what would you like to talk about, Olivia?” he asked her. “Hurt? Betrayal? The state of my marriage, of my life, after you decided to decimate it? Because I really don’t think there’s anything left to say.”

He could see the pain in her expression, in her eyes. “You have to know I never meant for any of that to happen. You and I have been friends for so long...you mean so much to me…”

“Don’t.” He took a step back. “I’m not interested in discussing this with you on the courthouse steps, particularly right now, when I’m supposed to be heading over to watch my daughter’s soccer game. You remember...the little girl whose family you’ve helped to fracture?”

“You know that isn’t me.” She shook her head. “Rafael, please.”

Only by sheer will did he keep the tears from forming in his eyes. “Goodbye, Captain.” He turned and headed toward the yellow string of taxis, pushing the images of Olivia and Sonny out of his head.

***

“Hey, counselor!” Holly, one of the team moms, greeted Rafael as he climbed up the bleachers. “You’re looking smokin’, as usual. Nice Levis!”

He rolled his eyes and sat next to her. “Y’know, that could constitute sexual harassment. Lucky for you I know you’re just running your mouth.”

She laughed. “Your lesser half is here...see him right over there? Is he treating you appropriately?”

“Holly, don’t say that kind of stuff...I told you I don’t want Marlene to hear anything about it.” He could see Sonny, sitting next to one of the other dads on the bottom row. He appeared to be watching the game.

“Yeah, well. I don’t dig people who hurt my friends. Call it a personal flaw. Slim Jim?” She offered him the box, and he took one and fiddled with the wrapper. As he took a bite, he heard her stand up behind him, then clap and yell, “Good job, Harris! You almost had it! Keep trying!” She sat back down and sighed. “I just wish he could score...just once. I swear it's painful to watch my son’s personal humiliation each week.”

“Don’t give up on him, Holly. He’ll get there.” Rafael nudged her. “You shoulda seen me at this age. Skinny and all left feet and thumbs. My dad  _ hated  _ it.” He shook his head. “Harris is gonna remember you were here cheering him on--” Just then, Marley intercepted the ball and began to work it down the field. Rafael leaned forward. “Go, Marley! Go! You can do it--” She was a few yards away from the goalie when a kid from the opposite team got it away from her, moving it quickly in the opposite direction and within seconds, scored a goal. “Ah, dammit!” Rafael sat back down, stretching out his legs.

“See, you were saying something?” Holly reminded him. “I think Harris is more likely to remember he can’t keep up with the ball. How about Marlene? Does stuff like that bother her?”

“Of course it does,” he said, feeling annoyed. “Everybody likes to win. But shit, I want her to learn that the joy in playing isn’t all in the win, you know? Sometimes it’s in the game itself.”

She stared at him as though he had just sprouted horns. “Spoken just like a kid on a losing team,” she said. “Do Marley a favor and don’t tell her she’s supposed to be happy when she loses, okay?”

“That’s not what I was saying,” he grumbled as she hopped up and started to shout at Harris again. “Not what I was saying at all.”

When the game ended, he climbed out of the bleachers, down to the field, and waited for Marley to finish up with her team. It was Friday afternoon and Sonny would take her from the game until Sunday evening, but he always tried to make the game and at least say hello to her before he left. 

“Hey,” Sonny approached him quickly. “Rough game, huh?”

Rafael nodded. “Yeah. Didn’t go how we were hoping, anyway.”

“Yeah.” Sonny nodded, and they stood there awkwardly, not sure what to say to each other until Sonny finally said, randomly, “Her hair...I, uh, I couldn’t do her hair like you with those cute little braids, so I just did the pigtails. Hopefully it won’t knot too badly.”

“It should be okay,” Rafael told him. “When you get home, you can do it or she can; just have her put a handful of conditioner in it. Work it through and comb through the curls. She can wash it out in the morning, if she didn’t want to wash it tonight. She knows the right comb to use.”

“Oh yeah?” Sonny met his eyes and smiled. “Thanks, Rafael.” He paused and then added, “I shoulda learned it by now...she’s ten years old and I shouldn’ta left it all up to you all this time. I’m sorry about that.”

Rafael shook his head. “Sonny, you know that’s not what this is about...this has nothing--”

“Hi Daddy!” Marley ran over to Sonny and popped him in the side. “Didja see? I almost made a goal! Heya Papi, didja see?” She stepped over and threw her arms around Rafael’s neck. “I love you, Papi. I’m gonna miss you tonight.” Stepping back, she added, “Me an’ Daddy both, we both missed you last weekend. We almost called you to say so.” Glancing at Sonny, who was giving her a stern look, she crossed her arms. “Or I did, for both of us anyway. Can we all go get pizza? I’m hungry! It would be so fun, you guys! Just us three! Hey, ‘member how we always used to eat that Spinach Bacon Roma pizza at Sal’s, near our house? We could go eat at home--”

“Marley.” Sonny said it gently but firmly. “Papi has other things he’s doing tonight. If you want to get pizza, we can pick some up on the way back to my apartment. Why don’t you give Papi a kiss goodbye? I’ll meet you at the car.” Turning to Rafael, he said, “We’ll see you Sunday evening.” He smiled and nodded, then turned to head back to the car.

“Hey mija, have fun with Daddy tonight, okay?” Rafael told her, smiling and pulling her into a tight embrace. “I love you and I will see you Sunday evening, by eight, right?”

“Or...or...or Daddy and me can bring over pizza and we can have a pizza party? Like we used to?” she asked, nearly pleading. “And I’ll help clean it all up and then I can go play in my room so you and Daddy can talk and watch movies and whatever you want...you can kiss an’ make up, Papi, and Daddy can come home…” Her voice broke and he wrapped his arms around her again. “Please, Papi. Please.”

“We can’t right now, princesa. I am so sorry, sweetheart.” 

He felt her nod against him, felt the sobs in her chest vibrating against him, and his own eyes filled with tears as he pulled her up and she wrapped her legs around him. He carried her slowly to the car, one step at a time, hating himself and his hangups with every step.

Sonny had the door open when he got there, and Rafael slipped his little girl into the back seat and pulled her seatbelt over her, fastening it. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he stroked her hair for a second. “I love you to the moon and back, forever and always, mija.” Looking into her eyes, he said, “I’ll see you Sunday night, love.”

He stepped back from the SUV and Sonny shut the door, then turned to him. “I’m sorry she did that to you,” he began. “We’d talked about what to expect, that you’d meet us at the game and then leave--”

Rafael shook his head. “You don’t owe me an apology, and she certainly doesn’t. I know this is hard on all of us, but for now, this is how it needs to be.”

Sonny nodded and started to climb into the SUV, then stopped. “I know that’s what you think, Rafael. I know how we got here, and I understand you feel violated. But how can I fix something like this when you won’t let me in? When you and I are barely speaking? I want to fix my marriage. I love my husband and I--I miss him.”

Rafael closed his eyes. “I need time, Sonny. If you respect me like you keep saying you do, you’ll give me some time. And no, I don’t know how much. This isn’t what I wanted. None of this. But it’s where we’re at. Please. I’ll call you, as soon as I’m ready, all right?”

Sonny nodded and climbed into the car then. “All right. We’ll see you Sunday night. Take care, Rafael.” He closed the door and Rafael moved to the sidewalk, watching them drive away.

***

He finished his fourth scotch around ten p.m., around the time he realized that if there was an emergency for Marley tonight, he’d be no damn good. He was three sheets to the wind, for sure. Grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge, he headed back to the master bedroom. He stripped his clothes off until he was bare, tossing everything into the hamper, then moved into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The water was warm after only seconds, and he stepped inside.

Lathering up, he started with his hair, then worked his way down his body. The last time he and Sonny had made love in here had been a few weeks before he moved out. Rafael had been on his knees until he thought the lines of the tiles might be permanently embedded into his flesh. Over and over, he brought Sonny to the brink until he had finally allowed him to climax, and it was lovely to watch--Sonny’s mouth open, eyes closed, water sluicing down his beautiful body. Sonny had cried out loudly, shuddering and then stiffening, hands still in Rafael’s hair. Once he was able, he bent down and caught Rafael’s mouth in a deep, longing kiss, then pulled him to his feet and carefully licked off a splash of semen glistening on Rafael’s cheek. Turning the water off, Sonny had guided his husband out of the shower and dried him carefully before leading him to the bed. There, he proceeded to lavish Rafael with the kind of love that Rafael never believed he deserved, never believed he was worth. That night had made the following week’s betrayal so much more painful. Rafael had always known there was a possibility that there could be a misunderstanding, but to have his most private moments revealed, confidences he’d trusted were between them shared outside of their marriage, was beyond comprehension. And then Olivia had doubled it.

He turned and rinsed off completely, behind his ears, under his arms, over his cock and balls. Thinking of Sonny had gotten him partially hard, and he gave himself a couple of strokes; the alcohol was pleasantly buzzing through his system and he reached up to turn the water off. Grabbing a towel, he stepped out of the shower and began to dry off, then meandered into the bedroom. He lay down on the bed, tossing the towel aside, and once again stroked himself before reaching for the remote. Porn sounded good. How often had he been given an absolutely free night by himself in the last ten years? Not many, he thought as he turned the TV on and found what he was looking for. A gay group scene, the kind of thing he’d fantasized about doing but participated in exactly never. He watched for a few minutes, intrigued as to how they all managed to coordinate. One of the actors caught his eye, and he began to focus on the man, how his blonde hair swooped into his face as he thrust and how his lean hips snapped with a rhythm that looked all too familiar. It was like watching his husband, his Sonny, he thought as he began to stroke himself more purposefully. He closed his eyes, and he could nearly feel Sonny’s mouth on his neck, his clavicle, working his way down, taking a nipple into his mouth and sucking.

Rafael tightened his hand around his cock, jerking more roughly as he imagined Sonny kissing him, licking over his stomach and his navel, then running his tongue down to his balls. “I love you, Rafi,” he heard in his mind, “Come in my mouth, baby...I wanna taste you…” He pumped himself quickly, bringing himself to orgasm, and the images of Sonny faded along with the reverberations of pleasure.

He lay there alone, tracing random abstract figures in the ejaculate now cooling on his stomach. In all their time together, he had never imagined that Sonny would violate him like this. He was sure plenty of people wouldn’t even understand how he felt, would think he was overreacting. It had started out, after all, as a misunderstanding of limits and boundaries. And if it had ended that way, a misunderstanding that required them to be more careful and to develop clearer communications when they chose to play that way, he could have lived with that. If it had ended with that, Sonny would be here, next to him, probably tugging on the remote and telling him the porn he’d chosen was awful, like he usually did. But it hadn’t. Instead, Sonny had chosen to go to Olivia, to tell Olivia things she had no right to know about, and agreed to let Olivia try to manipulate him into talking about things that were nobody else’s business.

_ He leaned against the wall of the elevator, exhausted. Thank God it was their technical date night and Marley was already at his mom’s--he knew he’d agreed for them to talk, but after that, all he wanted was a bath and an early bedtime. It had been quite a week. _

_ Unlocking the door to the apartment, he opened it to see a woman he didn’t recognize sitting on his couch, along with Liv. Sonny was in the recliner, but he stood immediately, nervously. “Hey, babe...come on in. Let me take your briefcase.” _

_ Surprised, Rafael handed his briefcase to his husband. “Did I miss something?” he asked, puzzled. _

_ The woman he didn’t know stood up. “Hi Rafael. My name is Joanne, and I’m a colleague of Olivia’s. I was hoping I might be able to talk with you for a little while tonight.”  _

_ “Have a seat, honey,” Sonny had motioned to the recliner, and Rafael skeptically sat, unsure of what was going on. He swore, if he was a drinker, that this was some kind of intervention. _

_ “What are we all needing to talk about?” he asked as Sonny took a seat next to him, on the end of the couch. Olivia had moved off the couch and into another chair across the room. _

_ “Let me tell you a little about me, first,” Joanne started. “I’m a licensed therapist who works with adults who were traumatized as children. I help people who had very difficult childhoods reparent themselves and move more fully, capably, and confidently into a happier adulthood. Is this something that you might be interested in?” _

_ Rafael’s glance moved between each of the other people in the room. “I don’t think so. I already have seen a therapist, and if I feel the need to see one again, I’ll probably call her--” _

_ “Rafael,” Olivia interrupted him, “I think it may be time to make that call.” _

_ Rafael turned to Sonny. “What the hell is going on here, Sonny? I feel like I’m in the middle of an intervention but I don’t know what my addiction is.” _

_ Sonny glanced nervously around him. “I want you to remember how very much I love you, Rafi...but I was concerned after last Friday...after our date night…” _

_ For a moment, Rafael was convinced he had stopped breathing. He knew exactly what this was about now, but he was having trouble reconciling the idea that his husband loved and respected him with the fact that his husband could have told anyone about last week. “This...is about that?” He frantically scanned the room. “Please tell me you didn’t tell anyone about that, Sonny...please--” _

_ Sonny’s cheeks were red and he crossed his arms. “I had to,” he said, and there was a soft desperation in his voice. “I was concerned...worried...I didn’t know what to do, so I talked to Liv--” _

_ Rafael’s eyes found his closest friend’s face, scanning her expression. She was regarding him with pity and what he knew to be a complete lack of understanding… _

_ “Rafael...Joanne can talk to you about how these kinds of fantasies don’t necessarily indicate a danger to anyone--” _

_ “You think I’m a pervert?” he challenged, and she held up her hands. _

_ “Of course not...I think you’re in pain, and you’ve been in pain for a long time. But you have a responsibility, to Marlene especially--” _

_ “This has nothing to do with her!” he exploded. “This is about ME! Those thoughts...do you even know anything about this, Olivia? That play...it’s nonsexual ageplay. What we did, what we’ve done, it was not sexual in the slightest. Why am I even having to explain this to anyone? Sonny, tell them…” _

_ “He’s right,” Sonny said immediately. “It was ageplay but it was completely nonsexual. I told you that, Liv...it’s never crossed that line, even in a request. The only way it’s affected our sex life is how it did last week...taking the place of sex, and that was my concern…” Turning to Rafael, he added, “I only went to her because I thought she might know someone we could talk to together…” _

_ “If you’re engaging in ageplay that isn’t sexual, that tells me that there’s a lot in there to talk about, Rafael,” Joanne said gently. “If it’s nonsexual, then of course there’s no potential concern with children, and I’m sorry that that was even mentioned. I’ve heard you’re an incredible father, and--” _

_ “Get out,” Rafael said wearily, shaking his head. “Both of you. Get out. I don’t care what you think. I’m not sick, I’m not crazy, and I’m not a pedophile.” He raised his gaze to Liv. “And if you think I am, you know the people to contact, don’t you?” _

_ Liv sighed. “Rafa, I--” _

_ “Get OUT!!” he yelled, standing and pointing to the door. “NOW!” _

_ He’d never felt so humiliated in his life. _

  
  


He missed Sonny with every fiber of his being. His best friend, lover, husband. But he couldn’t make peace with the idea that the man he loved more than anything in the world had actually told Olivia-- _ Olivia,  _ of all people--about their ageplay, and brought a counselor into their home without even talking to him.

When Sonny expressed his concern, they had talked about it. They had stopped the play. He had been under the impression the two of them would be talking about it together, like they had with every other concern in their marriage. He didn’t know which hurt more--the complete violation of trust, or that Sonny actually felt he had a problem.

Rafael pulled the covers up, around him and wiped away his tears. He prayed his heart would heal sooner rather than later.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny's been in his apartment for roughly six weeks, and he misses his husband desperately. His feelings may be influencing his daughter as well, who's not enjoying her weekend visits with him very much, and tells him so.
> 
> Separations are hard on everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thanks for reading!
> 
> This chapter should help to clarify a little bit of nonsexual ageplay. I know several people have asked questions, and I'm happy to answer what I can! And just a reminder, I will be updating tags each time I post a chapter, as needed.
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for the comments and kudos, y'all. I have to say, the comments you guys have made the last few days have been so humbling and inspiring both. I'm always just amazed that anyone would actually read ONE thing I write, never mind a whole series, haha! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

He missed his husband.

Sonny rolled over on the lumpy, full size mattress he’d gleaned from Gina when he’d taken this one bedroom apartment in her building. It reminded him of the times that he and Rafi had squeezed together on one like it at his parents’ house, sneaking kisses and trying to have silent sex while family members slept down the hall over the holidays. They’d always had a great sex life, from the start of their relationship until they split up six weeks ago. Not only was the sex fantastic in every physical way, it had been emotionally fulfilling as well. He’d always felt loved and adored by Rafael, desired and respected. The therapy they had gone through earlier in their marriage had helped them to build a solid relationship that relied on emotional intimacy far more than orgasms.

Ironically, that may have been where they went wrong.

They both had brought ideas to the bedroom over their twelve years of marriage. They’d toyed with all sorts of things, but particularly different types of roleplay. Over the years, they’d been cops, lawyers, prisoners, secretaries, judges, professors, students, and a wide variety of superheroes. He made a very sexy Aquaman, if he said so himself, and Rafael always made him hot when he took on the role of...well, anything. Sonny always told Rafael he could have had a very good career as an actor, particularly when donning a mask.

They’d continued to explore a bit of light BDSM, including Sonny’s kink of being Rafael’s daddy. In fact, that’s how they’d eventually morphed into exploring some nonsexual roleplay. It was no secret that Rafael had a shitty childhood, and over time, through many conversations, and after building a lot of trust, they’d begun to dabble in nonsexual ageplay, where Rafael would take on the role of Sonny’s young son, and Sonny would nurture him. They both had been a little nervous at first, especially Rafael. He’d been afraid that Sonny would think he was weird. But Sonny had reassured him that he was loved and there was nothing weird about expressing love between two adults. Besides, this wasn’t sexual play, so there were no concerns with the play being inappropriate. 

To be honest, Sonny had enjoyed it too. There was something relaxing about caring for his husband in a fatherly way, in stroking his hair or patting his back, or helping him to get ready for bed and tucking him in to sleep. And now, as he lay in bed alone in the middle of the night, he let the memories of those peaceful moments comfort him.

_ They were in their bedroom and Sonny had just locked the door behind him. “I love you, Rafi,” he murmured, moving in for a hug. Rafael immediately wrapped his arms around him, enjoying the warmth and familiarity of Sonny’s sweet embrace. _

_ “Daddy.” It was said quietly, prayerfully. “I wanna be your good boy, Daddy. Can I be your good boy?” _

_ Sonny held him close, felt his heart beating in time with his own. “You are my good boy, honey. Such a good boy. Let’s get you ready for bed, okay?” _

_ Rafael nodded, then accepted Sonny’s help in removing his clothes and replacing them with pajamas. Sonny helped supervise toothbrushing and using the bathroom before assisting Rafael in climbing into bed and pulling the covers up to his chest. He leaned over and kissed Rafael’s forehead. “Daddy, can we watch Scooby Doo again? Together?” Rafael asked, smiling shyly. _

_ “We sure can, my sweet boy. You’re so very good. You listen so well to Daddy, and you have such a good heart. Daddy’s so lucky to have such a sweet boy.” Kissing Rafael’s forehead again, he climbed into his side of the bed again and handed over the remote. Excitedly, Rafael turned the TV on and set it to the right channel. _

_ As was becoming a habit, the two watched Scooby Doo with Rafael’s head curled up on Sonny’s chest and his thumb halfway in his mouth. As the cartoon ended and Rafael didn’t make a move for the remote, Sonny took it and turned it off, then lay the remote on the nightstand. _

_ “Not every night,” he heard, and immediately realized Rafael was speaking to him. “I don’t want to be five every night, Sonny. But on rare occasions, when I’m really feeling untethered...is this okay?” _

_ Sonny looked down to see Rafael’s beautiful green eyes looking at him in the shadows. His eyebrows were raised, and his hand was nowhere near his mouth anymore. Five year old Rafi was gone again, and his husband had returned. _

_ “Of course it’s okay,” Sonny said softly. “I hope you feel safe to ask for whatever you need from me. Whether it’s incredibly kinky or incredibly innocent. I love you and if I can give it to you without hurting anyone, I will.” _

_ Rafael leaned up, just over Sonny’s face, then paused. “I’m kissing my husband now, okay? No confusion in roles.” He grinned at Sonny, then leaned down and kissed him fully. “You are the finest, most wonderful, kindest, sexiest, most perfect man in the world.” _

_ Sonny smiled at him. “Don’t forget it.” _

That had been roughly a year ago, when they were both happy and comfortable and madly in love.

But in the last six months, it seemed they were engaging in the age play more than they were having sex, and Sonny felt himself growing increasingly concerned that he was losing his husband to a platonic fantasy play rather than a real adult relationship. He didn’t know what to do, or how to address it, so he kept caring for his little boy and praying that the answer would come to him.

***

“I don’t understand why I had to go to church today if I didn’t want to. That’s just stupid, Daddy!” Marlene sat down in one of the unsturdy chairs at the kitchen table and kicked her shoes off. 

“I’m sorry you didn’t want to go, but you know what? Times like this, when we don’t want to go and things feel terrible...that’s when we need to turn to God the most.” He sat down on the futon that Marley had been sleeping on. “Nobody promises us easy.”

Marley frowned. “Why can’t you just call Papi and say sorry? If you did something that was wrong, like you said you did, then just say sorry! That’s how you fix it. You and Papi always tell me that, to apologize. Why can’t you do that?”

He sighed. “Because sometimes it isn’t that easy, honey. Sometimes it takes time. Papi needs some time and then he and I will talk. You know how if somebody hurts you, even if they say they’re sorry you might not feel like forgiving them right away? That’s how Papi feels right now, honey.”

“It’s already been more than a month. How much more time, Daddy? This is ridiculous!” She sounded like a little adult, and he would have found it humorous if he wasn’t so sad. And annoyed.

“I can’t give you a date, Marlene. Practice your patience. It’s a good thing to do.” He kicked his own shoes off and leaned back on the futon.

She bent her head back in the chair and sighed loudly. “What are we gonna do now? There’s nothin’ to do here. I hate this place. I don’t even got my own room or nothin’.”

“Well, the next thing we’ll be doing is getting some lunch,” Sonny told her, getting up and trudging into the kitchen. “What would you like, soup or a sandwich? I have leftover chicken noodle soup or I can make you a turkey sandwich, or you could have peanut butter.”

“Don’t you got anything decent over here? You knew I was coming...why didn’tcha buy anything good to eat?” She crossed her arms and pouted.

Letting out a heavy breath, Sonny said, “I’m going to heat up the soup. If you’d like some, there’s plenty for you here, otherwise feel free to make yourself a sandwich.” He grabbed the soup out of the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. While it was heating, he worked on tidying the kitchen, picking up random dishes and wiping off the counter. Marley watched him but didn’t say anything, so he continued to work in silence. At last the microwave bell rang, and Sonny pulled the heated soup out of the microwave. He ladled some into a bowl for himself, then dug through the cabinet for some crackers. Grabbing a spoon, he took a seat next to her at the table, said a prayer, and began to eat.

Marley continued to sit and watch silently while he ate. Sonny had the sneaking suspicion that she was waiting for him to say something so she could argue, so he wisely said nothing. Instead, he continued to eat his lunch, bite by bite. He broke some crackers and dumped them in his bowl, then spooned them up with his soup and ate it. After several minutes, she finally asked, “What’s for dinner tonight?”

“I’m roasting a chicken with potatoes, onions, and carrots,” he said, and he actually felt the happy anticipation for it that he’d felt when he’d purchased the items. He’d planned to cook a nice meal on Sunday, then use the chicken for meals throughout the rest of the week while he was working. “I also got some rosemary to season it. It’s going to be pretty delicious. You wanna help me cook it later?”

“Actually,” she said, “I wanna call Papi and see if he can come get me now. I’m bored and I wanna go home.”

Every muscle in his body seemed to tighten in that moment, and he forced himself to keep from shouting out the first thing that came to his mind. “Marlene, I know this is new and different, and this apartment is smaller than what you’re used to...but this is our time together, and you are going to stay here until it’s time for you to go home. Papi and I agreed on eight p.m. I will have you home at eight p.m. tonight.”

“This isn’t fair!” she whined. “It’s not my fault that you can’t say sorry and fix what you did! Why do I have to stay in a stinky, ugly apartment where I don’t even got a room, with nothing to do? I wanna be with Papi and Pru, Daddy! It’s not my fault that YOU messed up!”

Her words struck his heart painfully, and he looked down at his hands. “Fine. Pack your things and I’ll take you home if he says it’s okay.” He lay his phone on the table next to her. “Go ahead. Call him.”

She picked it up and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. A few minutes later, she skipped out,, handing the phone to him. “Papi wants to talk with you.”

He put the phone to his ear. “Rafael?”

“Hey. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. She just wants to go home.” Sonny went into the bedroom and closed the door. “She says she’s bored here, and she’s right, there’s not a lot for her to do here right now. Plus I think she misses you and Pru.”

There was a silent pause. “Sonny,” he said, “I don’t want to take time from you unfairly. You deserve time with her too, even if she’s being...difficult.”

Sonny felt a lump in his throat. “I just want to do the right thing here, Rafi. There’s no point in her being here if she’s miserable. I’ll try to better plan for next weekend.”

“And I’ll try to make sure she takes some things to keep her occupied,” Rafael told him. “I’m sorry she’s doing this to you. You know, she misses you when she’s here, too. She spends all week telling me how much she wants you home…” There was a drop in his voice. “Yeah.”

Sonny tried to sound cheerful. “Well, we’ll just keep working on it. If it’s all right, I’ll drop her off in about fifteen minutes. She’s packing her stuff right now.”

“Sure, that’s fine. See you then.”

“Bye.” Sonny hung up and went back into the front room. Marley was zipping up her duffle bag and bouncing up and down on the futon, a smile on her face, and some part of him felt angry.

“I’m taking you home today,” he said slowly, sitting down on the used recliner in the front room. “Papi and I have talked though, and he will be making sure you pack things to do from now on, and I will be making sure that I plan better for our weekend. But I’m not here for your entertainment, Marlene. You can feel as angry as you want, but you are my daughter, and you will be coming back every weekend, from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening, until Papi and I decide otherwise. Don’t think this will happen again, because it won’t.” He grabbed his shoes and shoved his feet in them, then reached in his pocket for his keys. “Let’s go.”

She was frowning at him, but pulled her duffle bag over her shoulder and followed him outside to the car. Once they were in and he turned it on, he realized she was still frowning at him. “What? You have something you want to say?” He carefully pulled out into traffic, heading toward Rafael’s.

“Yeah, Daddy,” she said from the back seat, “you sounded very mean when you talked to me.”

“Really?” he asked. “Hmm. Kind of how you sounded when you talked to me. Very mean, that you don’t want to spend any time with me.”

She was quiet for a minute. “I do want to spend some time with you, Daddy, but not my whole entire weekend. I don’t get time to do anything anymore that I used to. I can’t play with Kayla or Emory, and Jesse can’t come over for sleepovers now, and I don’t get to take Pru to play in the park on the weekend when it’s super fun, or see the library specials or museum days like we used to.”

“Marley, you know, some of that stuff you can do at my place. Jesse can spend the night there...it’ll be different but maybe fun in different ways. And I can take you to the library and the park, and even to the museum when you wanna go…”

“I just want one day at Papi’s and my house, Daddy. That’s all. I still wanna see you. I just want us all to be happy.” 

He glanced in his rear view mirror at her to see that she was biting her lip and watching him in the mirror. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. “One day, huh?” he repeated. “Sounds like Papi and I need to revisit this custody arrangement. Maybe the answer is you coming over on Saturday at dinner and staying until you go to school on Monday. Does that sound better?”

“Yeah! That’s awesome!” she exclaimed as he pulled over to let her out. Rafael was standing just inside the building’s front glass doors, and he waved.

Marley grabbed her things and leaned over the front seat. “I love you, Daddy,” she told him, kissing his cheek.

“Tell your papi I’ll be calling him later tonight,” he reminded her, and she nodded, climbing out of the SUV.

He watched her run inside the building and throw her arms around Rafael. Rafael wrapped her in a tight hug, and Sonny could see the smile that lit his face. He was immediately reminded of how very much his husband loved their daughter, and what a blessing that was.

He merged back into traffic, trying not to think about how much he wished he was parking and going in, himself.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your job this week is to read over some of these articles. Skim them. Then I want you to make a list of how they are similar and different to what you and Sonny were doing.” Renata sat down in her chair again and picked up her pen. When he looked at her, she raised her eyebrows.
> 
> “You have a whole file on this stuff...it’s not...I’m not...I shouldn’t be as embarrassed as I am?” he asked, flipping through the folder.
> 
> “I don’t know. That’s up to you to figure out. I’m just providing some education. As I said, I think we need a dual start. This is part one, but the second part would be more couples therapy. You and Sonny, here, next week, if possible.” She had flipped to her schedule and looked tentatively at him.
> 
> “Um, I don’t know what his schedule is...what he can do...do you have anything in the evening?”
> 
> When he left, he had a folder of articles and two appointments for the following week--one for himself and one for he and Sonny. And he also had a renewed sense that everything would eventually turn out okay.
> 
> *****
> 
> Rafael may not be ready to talk to Sonny, but that doesn't mean he's not ready to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> A couple of notes on this chapter: First, play therapy is absolutely used with adults, particularly with those who were abused as children or had a childhood trauma they are trying to recover from. More on this in future chapters, as well as on different types of strategies, and why the therapist might choose to employ them. Rafael mentions a sand table, and this is one relatively common technique. 
> 
> This chapter takes place roughly two weeks after the last one. There are details stating this but I would imagine it might be hard to keep up with it! It also explains, from Rafael's point of view, exactly what happened and why he's so upset. Additionally, there's a flashback of the first time they engaged in ageplay. These two scenes will give you some important information.
> 
> I am considering commissioning a couple of different artists to do a family portrait of these people and their dog, but with Marley around age four or five. If you have a particular artist that you love who accepts fanfic commissions, could you let me know, either with a comment here or a DM on twitter? I'm Ava_now@vagrlnok. I would really love to see this Barisi fam I've written come to life. Thanks for your help!
> 
> Finally--I love your comments and kudos! Thank you so much for everything you do! I hope you enjoy chapter three!

Rafael sank into the loveseat, immediately feeling at home. It may have been a few years since his ass sat in this seat, but it definitely felt familiar. He took a sip of his coffee, then turned to Renata. She was smiling at him, and with the exception of a few more facial lines, she looked exactly the same, right down to the purple cat’s eye glasses. “While I know you may not be happy to see me again, Rafael, it is nice to see you,” Renata said, settling into her chair next to him. “Tell me why you’re here.”

He laughed nervously. “Well, the short story is that Sonny and I have separated. Almost two months ago. Marley is living with me at our apartment, and Sonny has moved across town to a one-bedroom in his sister’s building. We’re doing the joint custody co-parenting thing. I miss him more than I’ve ever missed anyone. I love him more than ever. But I can’t seem to swallow what happened and get past it.”

She clicked her pen a few times. “Sounds like, whatever it was, it really shook your trust in Sonny.”

“Mmm.” He took a long sip of coffee. “Have you heard of nonsexual ageplay?”

Renata tapped her pen on her legal pad. “It’s a kind of roleplay where two adults take the roles of an adult and a child, respectively, but without a sexual element, I believe...is that close?”

He smiled. “Pretty much.” He sipped his coffee again. “So, it’s no big secret my childhood was shit. Somehow, a few years ago, we fell into doing it after a conversation about it. I think we both really enjoyed it on occasion...it lowered stress a lot, for me, anyway. And Sonny was always encouraging, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Until about three months ago...we were playing one night, on a date night, and during the play, I did something as a kid that I wasn’t supposed to do...I think I played with his phone, and he got after me, and…” He cleared his throat and stopped talking.

Renata sat patiently, watching him as he looked down, then took another sip of his coffee. “This is, uh...it’s beyond embarrassing trying to explain this, to talk about it…” They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Rafael continued. He exhaled heavily. “Okay. So I’d messed with his phone again, and he told me I was going to end up having a consequence, and I asked if he was going to spank me. He looked surprised, and then he used the safe word, and we stopped playing. Sonny immediately said he felt very uncomfortable and unsure if I was trying to take this into a sexual situation, because he had understood that this kind of play was to always be nonsexual. I agreed with him. To be honest, I don’t know why I asked him that. It just came out. We started a conversation that night, and he said some things I didn’t realize...he felt like we were spending too much time in ageplay on date nights, and that we didn’t spend enough time as ourselves, doing things we enjoyed like movies and shows and stuff, and he felt like we weren’t having enough sex...that the ageplay stuff was taking the place of it, and he was concerned. And then around two am, his mom called to say that Marley was sick and wanted to come home. So we agreed to table the conversation until the next weekend, and Marley came home and we all went to bed.

“So imagine my surprise when I get home late the next Friday, expecting to have this conversation and a little adult time with my husband, but instead I’m greeted by Sonny, my friend Liv, and some therapist woman I don’t even know. Apparently, Sonny had been so worried about me that he went to Liv, told her what we’d been doing, as well as his concerns that I’m more interested in being his five year old son than his fifty year old husband. She, in turn, took that to mean that I have some weird perverted interest in child roleplay. I think that’s what she thought. I’m not sure. Anyway she called in this therapist friend of hers to assess me, I guess. At some point, somebody said I needed to make sure I wasn’t a danger to my daughter.” He shook his head. “I would rather chop off my own hands than hurt my daughter. And they ALL know that!

“So I kicked them out and I haven’t talked to Liv since. Sonny and I spent the night arguing and crying and holding each other, then starting the cycle all over again until Marley came home. At that point I was completely in shock, humiliated, not thinking clearly. I felt so betrayed, so violated by Sonny, but I kept thinking about how much I loved him. How I didn’t want my family to break up over something so stupid. And then somehow we got into it again, about how I couldn’t believe he had violated my trust like he did by going to Olivia, and couldn’t he understand why I would feel the way I did. Now one of my friends knows that I like to pretend I’m a vulnerable little boy and that I have a different daddy...and all the great things that entails. That’s humiliating enough to admit to you, here, in therapy....just like it was when Sonny and I first started doing it. But he made me think he was okay with it. And even when he wasn’t, he made me think that the two of us would work it out. He never told me he intended to run my secrets by a therapist to see if I’m nuts! And he said he understood I was upset but he couldn’t apologize, because he had been truly worried and was just trying to be a good husband.” Rafael took a breath. He could feel the adrenaline racing through him again, just as he did that afternoon. “I started crying. I was so overwhelmed, so upset, and I called him an asshole and a bastard. Then he started yelling, telling me that I was impossible, and I was mad because he loved me and that was fucked up, and I make it hard to love me sometimes. And I lost it and threw my phone at him--it hit the wall behind him--and that’s when I realized my daughter was seeing and hearing it all. She’d been standing in the hallway, and she started sobbing.”

He was crying again, rubbing at his eyes. “Before I could even say anything, Sonny had left. He just walked out--I don’t even think he saw Marley at that point. Somehow I managed to calm Marlene down….but it was an awful night. When Sonny got back, I told him I thought we needed to separate for awhile, until we both felt like we could trust each other again. He argued and we both cried, but in the end, he agreed and cooperated.” He looked at Renata and started laughing through his tears. “It’s been a shitshow. And it hurts so much.” He started to cry again. “I miss him so much and I know he misses me too, but I can’t even sit down and talk with him yet. I’m just not there yet.”

“So what is my role in this, Rafael? To help you be able to talk with Sonny? To help you work more on your childhood issues? To rid yourself of the shame you’re feeling?” Renata waited patiently as Rafael continued to wipe his tears and drum his fingers on the edge of the loveseat.

“I don’t know, Renata...all? One or two? My biggest priority is to stop hating myself so I can talk to my husband again. I’m so fucking ashamed that I can’t even talk about it…” His voice faded off.

“So I think we should take a dual start route, if you’re up to it,” she told him, getting out of her chair and moving to her desk. “Give me a minute...I have some info in here that will be useful for you...where did I put that thing...you know, in my next life I’m coming back as one of those closet organizer folks because I will be absolutely GIFTED with all the skills I have lacked in this life...ah, here it is.” She brought over a thick folder and handed it to him. “I think we need to start, first, with educating you.”

He took the folder and read the label on the tab. “ _ Play Therapy with Adults _ ?” He looked at her, then back to the folder. “Like the play therapy kids get? I don’t understand.”

“Your job this week is to read over some of these articles. Skim them. Then I want you to make a list of how they are similar and different to what you and Sonny were doing.” Renata sat down in her chair again and picked up her pen. When he looked at her, she raised her eyebrows.

“You have a whole file on this stuff...it’s not...I’m not...I shouldn’t be as embarrassed as I am?” he asked, flipping through the folder.

“I don’t know. That’s up to you to figure out. I’m just providing some education. As I said, I think we need a dual start. This is part one, but the second part would be more couples therapy. You and Sonny, here, next week, if possible.” She had flipped to her schedule and looked tentatively at him.

“Um, I don’t know what his schedule is...what he can do...do you have anything in the evening?”

When he left, he had a folder of articles and two appointments for the following week--one for himself and one for he and Sonny. And he also had a renewed sense that everything would eventually turn out okay.

***

“I really like this fish, Daddy.” Marley was digging into her salmon tonight, something Sonny had purchased especially for her. “It’s so good. You are such a good cook!”

He grinned. “Well, thank you. I’m glad you’re enjoying this more than the other Sunday. How about the asparagus? Did you try it or just stick with the green beans?”

She eyed the stalks skeptically. “You know I’m not a fan of these, Daddy...you even said that’s why you made green beans!” She popped a bean in her mouth and chewed. “Mmm. I wonder what Papi is eating tonight? Probably not as good as this.”

“No?” Sonny asked, and a wave of worry passed over him. He knew Rafael could cook enough to get by, but he tended to avoid it when it was just him, or if he was struggling with work or depression. “Is Papi cooking for you most nights?”

“Yeah. Usually. I help too though. Like he makes most of the meal but I make a fruit or a vegetable to go with it. Like last night I added bananas and peanut butter with our dinner. The other day I did grape tomatoes and cukes with ranch. Papi liked that one a lot. Do you want me to call him and see if I should bring him a plate?”

“Sure, that’s fine,” he agreed quickly before he could acknowledge to himself he was being a little smothering. 

“Okay! I bet he’ll like your asparagus, Daddy. And this rice too. Did I tell you the rice is good, too? Cause it is.” She continued to eat, and he couldn’t help but smile at her sweet face.

“I’m glad you like it,” Sonny told her. “Is there anything you’d like to have this weekend? Anything I should make sure is in the house when you get here?”

Marley’s eyes flitted down to her plate. “Hey Daddy? I’m sorry I said so many mean things to you...I mean, they were true, most of ‘em, but I should have said it nicer. I was thinking that maybe it might help you if I make a list? Then when you go shopping you can look at it and pick some stuff I like?”

He stifled a chuckle at her cleverness. “I think that’s a great idea. I would appreciate that, Marlene. That would make things easier on me.”

“Y’know, Daddy, I can even do some chores here if you want! I still do them at home to help Papi and I can help you too, if there’s stuff you need for me to do. I know it's probably a lot of work for only one person to do, plus you have to work, so I can help.”

He nodded. He’d been wanting to approach this topic with her anyway, and now was a perfect opportunity. “I would like that very much, Marley. I’d like for you to take care of the table--setting and clearing it each night you’re here. You need to pick up your area each morning when you spend the night. And I’d like for you to help me cook dinner, also.”

“I can do it, if you keep teachin’ me.” She sat up higher in her chair, and he swore she looked more self-confident than she had five minutes ago.

“Well, I can absolutely do that. We’ll talk about more chores and making a list this weekend, okay?” She nodded at him and smiled again, then focused on finishing her dinner.

He sat back and looked around the apartment. It was starting to look like an actual home, and he was glad. Gina had talked to him about how making it more homey might help Marley want to be there more, and in all honesty, she was probably right. He knew that he didn’t mind coming home to it as much as he did initially. Granted, it was still furnished in 21st century garage sale style, but he had added some plants, a couple throws, and he’d hung some photos of family on the wall now, including a family portrait of him, Marley, Rafael, and Pru. He also had a series of her baby and early childhood pictures, and she seemed to really like that. When she first saw it, she grinned and spent a good amount of time looking at it before finally saying, “This is cool, Daddy. And if you ever miss me, you can see me right here!”

“Am I going home after dinner?” Marley asked as Sonny took his dishes to the sink. “It’s getting close to eight, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. I think we’ll clean up first and then I’ll run you home. We have time.” He plugged the sink and began to fill it with water.

“Okay. And I come back on Saturday, right? At five?” Marley drank her water and got up to take her dishes to Sonny.

“Yes. Just like we did last week. You liked that, didn’t you?” He winked at her and she grinned.

“Yeah. It was a lot better. We’ll probably get it all figured out, and then you and Papi will have a time to talk, and then we’ll all live together again, right after we get it figured out!” She laughed to herself and began to clean off the table.

He thought about the message Rafael had left him earlier, about therapy next Thursday evening at seven. He’d immediately texted back saying he would be there. Fortunately, he didn’t have anything else on his schedule, but if he had, he would have cancelled everything short of a meeting with God.

He’d been a mix of anxious and excited ever since, hoping this meant they were a step closer toward sitting together and talking this out. This, one of the biggest mistakes of his life. All he wanted was to fix it.

“Heads up!” Marley called, tossing a rag at him, and he popped it midair into the sink.

“Daddy’s still got it, huh?” he teased, and she shook her head and stuck the butter back in the fridge.

***

Rafael climbed into bed, worn out from the day. Marley had gotten home a few hours before, tired but happy, and it warmed his heart to see that she was happy after visiting Sonny. They’d been refining their schedules and activities, trying to find something that made her more comfortable, and it looked like they were doing better.

He had been trying really hard to make things up to Marley since he and Sonny split. The fact she had witnessed his breakdown, witnessed him actually throw something at another person, horrified him. He knew he couldn’t protect her from every evil in the world, but he never thought she would have to witness violence in her own home. And the fact that it came from him was inexcusable.

He had reported himself to Amy, Marley’s therapist, the first appointment after it had happened. “I know you may have to report me to DCF,” he told her, “and I’m prepared for that. What I just want, more than anything, is to help Marlene heal from what she saw.” After speaking with Marlene, Amy had told him that she felt the incident didn’t rise to the need for a report. Marley had told her that Rafael threw his phone at the wall, not at Sonny, and since there had been no physical contact between the men and the fight itself had been verbal and short, she would not be reporting. She did, however, urge him to seek counseling for himself, which he promised to do.

He had to admit, he felt better since speaking to Renata today, and while he was anxious about starting therapy with Sonny again, he knew it was the only way to get back what they had. And God knows, he wanted his marriage back.

He had flipped through the folder that Renata had given him--article after article about using play therapy techniques with adults who had experienced child abuse. It was an interesting idea, he supposed, to encourage adults to play, but he preferred the approach Renata took, engaging him with questions that required him to think and reflect. He couldn’t imagine if she brought out a sand table for him to fiddle with. Even now, he would probably laugh. If he was a new client, he would have walked out. 

He was immensely thankful that he’d been in therapy with her before. There was no way in hell he would have ever talked about this with her if he hadn’t. Like he’d told her, it was too embarrassing.

He turned the light out and pulled the covers up, mind still on Sonny. He rested a hand on the bare skin of his abdomen, under his shirt, and let his mind wander back to when their ageplay first started.

_ They were both sitting up, leaning against the pillows stacked against the headboard, and Rafael slid over and rested his head on Sonny’s shoulder. They’d just made love--incredibly passionate, breathtaking love--and there was nowhere else Rafael would rather be than skin pressed pleasantly against his husband’s. Sonny had just dommed him exactly how he’d requested; his body was buzzing sweetly in the afterglow of the edging and the breathplay they’d dabbled in. “I love you, Sonny. Thank you for loving me, even though I’m weird. Even though I ask for bizarre things. Even though--” _

_ “Stop, honey.” Sonny wrapped an arm around Rafael, knowing what would predictably come next. “You’re absolutely perfect. I love you so much, Rafi. You’re not any more weird or bizarre than anyone else, baby. I asked you to call me Daddy, remember?”  _

_ Rafael chuckled wetly against Sonny’s chest. Tracing one of Sonny’s nipples, he murmured softly, “Don’t tell anybody, but I like calling you Daddy...something about it, so safe with you. You take care of me better as my dom daddy than my own father ever did. I know that sounds fucked up, Sonny--” _

_ Sonny stroked his hair. “Everyone needs to be loved and nurtured, Rafi. I guess it makes sense why you’d be drawn to subbing...wanting to be nurtured, wanting to let go of all the stress and control of the job you used to have...still, of wanting to be less tightly wound, I guess. Is that it?” _

_ “It might be.” Sonny’s hand rubbed firm, comfortable circles on Rafael’s back. “Sometimes when I watch you with Marlene, I feel jealous. I wish someone would have treated me that way as a kid.” He sniffled a bit. “Did you get that? Somebody to hold you and snuggle you, play with you and stuff?” _

_ Sonny chuckled softly at the memories flooding back. “Oh God yes. Not just my mom or dad, but my sisters and cousins...there were always kids around, and my mom was a stay at home mom, Granted, they could be stern, but I always knew I was loved. I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that Ma was my best friend, but don’t tell because my dad might be sad if it wasn’t him.” Both men were giggling as much as adult men could, and Sonny pressed another kiss to the top of Rafael’s head. “You know I will hold you anytime you need it, honey. It breaks my heart you didn’t get that as a little boy. But it’s one of a million reasons I think you’re so amazing. I mean, have you seen yourself with our daughter? You’re so incredibly good with her. She adores you almost as much as I do.” _

_ They both slid down in the bed, readjusting their space and their bodies. “Here,” Sonny said, pulling Rafael more comfortably into him, and Rafael rested his head on Sonny’s chest. _

_ “If I was your kid, or if we had a boy, what would you say to me?” Rafael asked awkwardly, knowing what he wanted but unsure of how to ask for it...afraid of asking for it. _

_ Sonny’s mind started to race as he began to understand what Rafael was really asking him. Part of his heart broke in that moment, and he wrapped both arms around his husband. “Well, first...I’d get you ready for bed. So sit here...I’ll be right back.” Sonny climbed out of the bed and quickly grabbed a clean pair of boxers and Rafael’s favorite lounge pants and tee shirt. Walking to his husband’s side of the bed, he knelt. “Here we are, honey. Sit up and Daddy will help you get dressed.” Rafael swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up as Sonny slid the boxers, then the lounge pants, onto his husband. “Now raise your arms,” he directed, and Rafael did so he could put on the tee. “There you go. Good job, buddy.” He smiled warmly, stroking Rafael’s cheek gently, and slowly a shy smile covered Rafael’s face. “Do you wanna sleep in Daddy’s bed tonight, with me?” Sonny asked, and despite the deep flush on his cheeks, Rafael nodded. “Okay, then. Climb in and I’m going to get ready, too. Do you need to use the bathroom before we go to bed?” _

_ “Yeah, I think so,” Rafael told him. “Probably should try, huh, Daddy?” _

_ Sonny chuckled. “Yeah, I think so...I don’t want to wake up in a wet bed!” _

_ Rafael giggled, and Sonny swore he heard a real child’s giggle somewhere in there. He watched Rafael clamber across the bed and head into the bathroom, and Sonny pulled on his own pajamas, making sure he wore exactly the kind of thing he would wear with Marlene around. _

_ A few minutes later they were both climbing back into bed. “Do you want me to read you a story?” Sonny asked, unsure of exactly how much of this roleplay Rafael was hoping for. _

_ He shook his head. “Can we watch TV instead? I wanna watch TV with you, if that’s okay.” _

_ “Of course it is,” Sonny answered, handing Rafael the remote. “What do you want to watch?” _

_ For some reason, Rafael giggled softly. “Scooby Doo. I really like that. Is that okay?” _

_ “Sure.” Rafael eagerly turned the TV on to the right channel and snuggled against Sonny, resting his head on Sonny’s chest. They watched for several minutes, and Sonny rested one hand on Rafael’s back. _

_ After several minutes, Rafael quietly said, “Papi never watched this with me. I always wanted him to, though.” He paused. “I like Scooby Doo.” _

_ “Me too, buddy,” Sonny told him, kissing the top of his head. A few minutes later, he glanced down to see Rafael sucking his thumb, and Sonny closed his own eyes to keep from crying. _

There was an innocence in their play. Maybe that was what he’d been drawn to, he thought sleepily now...the opportunity to live as a happy, innocent person who was loved fully, and could love fully in return. He still saw that innocence in Sonny as an adult man, whenever he got really excited about something, and Rafael loved that. He wanted to have that characteristic too, he thought, and his mind slipped into a sleepy fog.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was hard, working through things, Rafael thought. “I don’t want you to just be sorry. I trust you enough to know that you must have had a good reason and I want to understand. I hear you that you didn’t tell her as much as I thought you had...and that makes sense then, that she thought I was some kind of pedophile and you immediately clarified for her that I wasn’t...but I mean, is it that bad that I enjoyed you taking care of me? Is that what you’re upset over?”
> 
> “No!” Sonny said again, this time more frustrated. “It’s that I felt like you wanted that part of me more than the part that’s your husband!”
> 
> “And that makes no sense!” Rafael told him, tossing his hands in the air. “You’re obviously my husband. No matter what you do or what we pretend, you’re still my husband! I don’t understand your point.”
> 
> *****
> 
> Rafael and Sonny head back to therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Therapy chapters take a lot out of me and usually end up being rewritten several times! As always, if you read something that you know is completely wrong, please let me know. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are so tremendously appreciated! Hope you enjoy!

Sonny’s lips settled against his neck, a mix of sexy and sweet, and he sighed. “I’ve missed you so much, Soleado...don’t ever go away again. It breaks my heart.”

“You taste so sweet, love.” Sonny was licking his skin, sucking lightly, and a hand slid over his chest. “I love you, Rafi...I’ll love you forever. I’m so glad to be home…”

Rafael felt such peace and happiness flood through him, and he wrapped his arms around his husband, stroking his back, until he heard it...the incessant knocking. “What is that?” he asked, peering over Sonny’s shoulder.

“Don’t know,” Sonny murmured, “don’t care...missed you so much, Rafi…” Sonny kissed him, deeply and sweetly, but the knocking continued, louder and more aggressive, until Rafael opened his eyes.

“Please, Papi…pretty please, open the door!” Marley was sobbing, banging on the bedroom door. “I’m so scared! I’m so scared, Papi...pretty please!” He immediately jumped out of the bed and flew to the door, unlocking it and throwing it open. Pulling her into him, he shushed her, rocking her back and forth against him.

“It’s okay, mija...it’s okay….shh.” He stroked her hair as she sobbed into his chest. “What happened? Bad dream?” Pru jumped on his leg and then licked his foot.

“Uh-huh...I dreamed you died and I couldn’t find Daddy...I kept getting lost and couldn’t find his apartment and then when I got there, Aunt Gina said he gotted married to another family with another kid and...and…” she started gasping for breath again. “And he didn’t want me anymore!”

Rafael guided her over to the bed. “Sweetheart, that would never, ever happen. You know that, don’t you?” He tilted her head up so he could see her eyes. “You know how very much Daddy and I love you. Nobody is ever getting a different family that doesn’t include you. You can ask Daddy, too. You can call him right now...at 2:57 in the morning,” he said, glancing at the clock.

She let out a sound somewhere between a giggle and a snort. “I can call him now?”

“You sure can,” he told her. “That’s how much we love you--we will take your calls in the middle of the night to reassure you that we will always love you and be your dads!”

That brought a little giggle, and she climbed onto the bed next to him. “I don’t like how I always worry about not havin’ a family. I don’t know why I do that. Daddy tells me he loves me SO much every time I see him...but Papi, what if you an’ Daddy get divorced? What if he decides to marry somebody else? What if he married, like, Auntie ‘Manda and decided Jesse and Billie were nicer kids?”

“Can I tell you something?” Rafael asked her. At her nod, he continued. “Even if Daddy and I got divorced, and he married Auntie ‘Manda and became Jesse and Billie’s stepdad, he would still be YOUR daddy. He would still love you to the moon and back, forever and always. Daddy wanted to be a father for as long as I’ve known him. I used to be worried I couldn’t be a very good dad, because my dad wasn’t a good dad. But Daddy? He taught me how to be a good dad, and he told me I could do it. And the first time we held you, I knew he was right. And I knew he was going to be the best, most amazing dad to YOU. Because he loves you more than anyone. One day, when you have a child of your own, you’ll understand that the love you have for your child is different than any other love in the world. That’s why no matter what happens, even if Daddy and I were to divorce each other, we would never divorce you. You will always, always be our daughter, and always be our most important and precious love.”

She was watching him carefully, taking in each word, and when he finished, she said, “Really, Papi? Promise?”

He nodded. “I do. Daddy and I both love you more than anything.”

She sighed. “Can Pru and me sleep with you tonight? Til it’s time to get up, I mean?”

He smiled. “I think that’s okay. Go ahead and climb in...and come on, Miss Juris Prudence...get yourself on up here…” They watched the dog climb quickly up the steps next to the bed before hopping between them and licking Marley on the face. 

A few minutes later Marley and Pru were snuggled into what was normally Sonny’s spot, and Rafael pulled the blankets back up. He checked his alarm, then turned out the light.

“Papi?”

“What?” He could barely make out her silhouette. His eyes were still adjusting to the darkness.

“Did you tell Daddy sorry that you threw your phone? It coulda hit him.”

His eyes were adjusting and he could see her looking at him. “I did, honey, and it was very wrong that I threw it. I am so, so sorry that I threw it and I’m so sorry that you saw that. You shouldn’t have had to see your dads fight like that. No kid should…” His mind immediately went to one of the many times Miguel had hit Lucia. He could still remember what it was like to be barely as tall as his father’s waist, trying to get between them to stop the violence.

“Did you and Daddy ever yell when you fought before? It scared me when you guys were yelling those cuss words at each other. I hated that. It made me scared and some of it was mean.” He could see her petting the dog while they talked.

“Not often, I don’t think. Honey, you know that’s the worst fight Daddy and I have ever had, and I’m so sorry you saw it.”

“Have you guys ever hitted each other?” she asked.

“No,” he told her firmly. “You know that my mami and papi sometimes hit each other when I was a little boy, and I always felt scared and angry when that happened. I don’t EVER want you to have to live in a home like that. It was awful.”

“Your papi hit Abby?” she asked, as though it were new information. “Did he hurt her?”

“Occasionally, yes. You didn’t remember that my parents fought?”

She shook her head. “I thought they yelled and your papi hitted YOU. I didn’t know he hitted Abby too.”

“Yeah, he did. He hit both of us. And sometimes Abby hit him too. It feels awful to grow up in a home where people are so angry all the time, and where people hit each other when they’re angry.”

“But Abby doesn’t hit anymore, right?” She started to giggle softly. “I remember one time when I was little, I was really being bad and she got so mad and said if I were her daughter she would spank my butt.”

“Yeah,” he replied, “you told me that before.”

“Yeah, and I told her, ‘too bad, so sad for YOU, Abby!’. She was so mad.”

He bit back a laugh. “You didn’t tell me you said THAT!” 

“I know! I didn’t wanna get in trouble, Papi!” she giggled.

He patted her hair. “Go to sleep, silly girl.”

She was quiet for a minute, and then she spoke again. “Hey Papi?”

He opened his eyes again. “Yeah?”

“Daddy said somethin’ wrong to you in the fight. He said it’s hard to love you sometimes and it’s not. You’re a nice, good person, and it’s never hard to love you. He’s wrong.”

He smiled. He knew, from Sonny’s perspective, it was so much more complicated, and he understood what Sonny had meant...but hearing a simple, deep truth about himself from his daughter was beautiful. “Thank you, baby,” he told her. “Goodnight, my sweet girl.”

She smiled back. “Night, Papi. Te amo.”

***

Sonny sat in the waiting room, shaking his foot anxiously. He’d been waiting for the last ten minutes after arriving early. It was a nasty, rainy evening outside, and he’d left his office early to be sure he made it in time. Rafael should be here any minute, he thought, unless he got the time wrong. He checked his phone, rereading the text about their appointment. Right place, right time. He was about to stand up and pace when the door opened, and Rafael entered, shaking the rain off of his body.

“Hey,” Sonny greeted him, “caught in the rain?”

Rafael smiled at him. “Not too badly...just from the uber to the door.” He sat down catacorner from Sonny, with a small end table between them. “How are you doing?”

Sonny nodded. “I’m okay. Glad we’re doing this...nervous, but glad.” Rafael nodded, but didn’t speak, and Sonny felt the words tumble out of his mouth. “I want to fix this so badly. I miss you, miss Marley, miss our life together--” Just then, Renata opened the door, and he stopped speaking, suddenly self-conscious.

“Hello, gentlemen!” Renata greeted them. “Sonny, it’s nice to see you again. Ready to come back?”

He smiled at her. “Good to see you too, Renata.” They followed her back, down the hallway to her office. Sonny found himself surprised at how similar her office looked from before, but there was something comforting about the familiarity. Rafael had taken the same seat he’d always sat in, on the loveseat, and Sonny knew the oversized chair with lots of throws was Renata’s. He’d always sat on the loveseat next to Rafael before, but he wasn’t sure how his husband would feel about that right now, given their current situation. 

Rafael saw his eyes flitting between the empty spot on the loveseat and the chair on the other side of Renata. He patted the spot next to him. “You can sit here, if you want. It’s up to you.” With that invitation, Sonny immediately settled on the loveseat next to Rafael, glancing at him with a grateful smile.

“So I understand there was a fight that led up to a separation,” Renata said, settling into her chair and picking up her legal pad. “You want to say anything about that, Sonny?”

“Sure, I guess...it started when we had a, uh...a misunderstanding in bed one night. I had some concerns about some things we’d been doing…” He turned to Rafael. “I don’t know what you’ve already told her,” he said.

“Pretty much everything,” Rafael told him. “It’s okay, Sonny. Let’s just do it. No secrets.”

“Okay.” Sonny exhaled heavily. “We’d been doing this ageplay stuff for a couple of years...me pretending to be his father. He’d pretend to be a little boy, and I’d help take care of him...stuff like helping him get dressed, brush his teeth, make him comfort foods, play games or watch TV together. Nothing sexual. Very much just playing like you’d do as kids where somebody’s the parent and somebody’s the kid. But over the last year or so, I had started to feel more and more that Rafael wanted to just escape into that whenever he was stressed. Whereas earlier in our marriage, we might’ve made love or even just held each other, it seemed like more and more Rafael wanted to be a child. And I guess I wasn’t feeling as much that I was getting enough out of it. I missed my adult husband. So the night that this whole thing, this fight,started, he had asked me if I was going to spank him. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring a sexual element into it, and I was not okay with that. So I called the safeword, and we started talking. And the more we talked that night, the more anxious I got. I guess I started to realize that Rafael was really relying on this play, that he loved it and he loved me in a different way than I had realized...that there was a part of him that wanted to love me as a parent, that wanted to see me as his dad. And it scared me, and I didn’t know what to do or where to go to figure out if this was normal, or if my instincts were off.

“So on Monday, I was at work, and I was talking with a colleague about a case we had where a guy and his wife had adopted a young woman as an adult, at age eighteen. Then his wife died five years later, and now it’s been over ten years and the guy and his adopted daughter are petitioning the court to reverse the adoption and want to get married instead. My colleague, Liv, said something about how people need to be clear on what their familial roles are, and that it is incredibly damaging to mix those roles. And I asked, which I shouldn’t have, I know...but I asked, ‘even in play? You know people play with those roles sometimes.’ And she said, ‘If I knew anyone who was playing with those roles, I would strongly encourage them to seek counseling with a specialist.’”

Sonny paused, seemingly in reflection. “This colleague...she’s one of Rafael’s best friends. I know she loves him and would never in a million years do anything to hurt him. The things she was saying...along with the things Rafael had said a few nights before…” He shook his head. “I got scared. I got scared for him, for our marriage, even for our daughter at that moment. We were alone, and I shut the door, and I told her that Rafi and I had engaged in playing with parent-child roles from time to time, but I was worried about where it might be going lately, and I didn’t know anyone with the resources to help me figure it out. That’s all I said. I didn’t give any more detail than that, but maybe I should have, I don’t know. Anyway, Liv said she knew a great therapist who specialized in this stuff, and she could set it up for the therapist to speak with Rafi privately, at home. At no point did anyone say anything about confrontation, or pedophilia, or anything other than helping to sort this out. We agreed on a time the therapist could meet with me and Rafael. Liv wasn’t planning to stay, at least not to my knowledge, but then Rafael showed up earlier than we thought he was going to, and I guess things escalated quickly, and she never left, and things ended up feeling very confrontational, I think, which was never, ever my intent.” He turned to Rafael again. “I wish I could take it all back. I would never hurt you that way, Rafael. I know I violated your trust, and I hate that I did that. But I wish you could see why I did it. Why I was so worried, and why I’m still worried. I miss you and I love you and I want to get back together...but I want us to work this out.”

They all sat in silence for a moment, until Rafael said, “I don’t want you to be my father.”

“Then I...I need some clarity on what we’re doing...I also know you really--okay, we both, really--have enjoyed it and if it’s not dangerous, I don’t want to stop...Renata, I feel like I’ve fucked everything up so horribly...help?”

Renata was a hard read. Despite the topic of conversation, her expression stayed mostly neutral, all the time, and it was neutral right now. “I think the first thing we need to do is identify the strengths and the areas of concern in your marriage as it stands right now,” she said, clicking her pen top back and forth. “Why don’t we start with the strengths? You can just call them out, and I’ll write them down.”

“I absolutely love my husband, even more than the day I married him,” Rafael began, without hesitation, and Sonny felt all of his tension leave his body immediately.

“Agreed,” Sonny said. “And with the exception of lately, we’ve had a consistently stable marriage. This is our first separation ever.”

“Keep going,” Renata instructed, as she continued to write.

By the time they were done, they’d decided the strengths of their marriage included stability, overall communication, active expression of love, great sex, respect of one another’s interests, and sharing priorities and values. “So if things are this terrific,” Renata asked next, “then why are you separated?”

There was a pause before Rafael said quietly, “I worry I can’t trust him.”

“With what?” she asked.

“With...with anything I might tell him that’s confidential. I still don’t understand what I said that was such bombshell news that he had to tell someone...or seek help for me that I didn’t even ask for…”

Sonny shook his head. “I know you don’t understand, so I just...I’m sorry. I just won’t do that again.”

It was hard, working through things, Rafael thought. “I don’t want you to just be sorry. I trust you enough to know that you must have had a good reason and I want to understand. I hear you that you didn’t tell her as much as I thought you had...and that makes sense then, that she thought I was some kind of pedophile and you immediately clarified for her that I wasn’t...but I mean, is it that bad that I enjoyed you taking care of me? Is that what you’re upset over?”

“No!” Sonny said again, this time more frustrated. “It’s that I felt like you wanted that part of me more than the part that’s your husband!”

“And that makes no sense!” Rafael told him, tossing his hands in the air. “You’re obviously my husband. No matter what you do or what we pretend, you’re still my husband! I don’t understand your point.”

“So you see yourself as an adult, even when you’re playing the role of a child,” Renata surmised.

“Of course,” Rafael said. “Who else would I be?”

“But it doesn’t  _ feel _ that way!” Sonny objected, clearly frustrated. “Not when I feel like I’m practically re-parenting you. Not when I know what your dad did. Not when you’re in my arms calling me Daddy, asking if I love you and you’re looking at me with those huge, green eyes full of tears…” His voice was shaking as he shook his own head, and Rafael looked away.

The room was quiet for several moments. “Do those moments feel playful to you?” Renata asked Sonny, passing him a box of tissues.

He took a tissue and wiped his eyes. “No,” he admitted quietly. “No, they don’t.”

“How do those moments feel to you, Rafael?” she asked, and seeing him wiping a tear away, passed another box of tissues.

“They felt safe,” he whispered, looking at his hands and the tissue he was now holding. “I felt so safe and secure there, when he’d hold me like that, like a parent I never had. I loved having that.” He pressed the tissue to his face to hide himself as he started to cry. “And now I’ve blown it and I’ll never have that again.”

“Rafi…” Sonny patted his back gently, then gave a slight pull to nudge Rafael closer, and Rafael moved in, letting Sonny embrace him as he cried. Sonny began to tear up as well.

The room was quiet for several minutes as Rafael cried quietly and Sonny held him. 

“I want to be clear here that therapy isn’t about taking away things you love. It’s about making sure there’s a balance and that everyone gets what they need,” Renata stated calmly as Rafael began to dry his face and take small breaths. “So we have some clarification to do, some rebalancing, to make sure that your relationship is providing enough safety and security for Sonny, and that Rafael has a safe place to be a child. That might involve some time at home, and it might involve some therapy as well. Rafael, we want to make sure your needs are met, but that Sonny’s needs are met as well, and you both are equipped to care for each other. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Sonny said. “That makes sense to me.”

“Me too,” Rafael said quietly. “A better balance sounds good.”

“Let’s talk about some husband homework, shall we?” Renata asked, and they both nodded again.

***

“You wanna share a ride?” Rafael asked as they exited the office into the drizzly evening.

“Why don’t I give you a ride?” Sonny asked. “I’ve got my car, and you’re close.”

“You don’t mind?” Sonny shook his head, so Rafael followed him over to the SUV and got in once it was unlocked.

“I have to admit, this thing has come in handy over the last few years,” Rafael told him with a fond smile. “I thought for sure you were going to kill our budget on a midlife crisis toy before you even got to midlife.”

Sonny chuckled. “Yeah, I know you weren’t a fan, but it really has come in handy. Especially right now, when I have to get Marley to school on Monday mornings.”

“Yeah. I think the new schedule is working well. She seems to like it...or at least that’s what she told me.” Rafael watched the lights go by as Sonny drove.

“I think so too.” They were stopped at a light. “Was she okay last night, after I brought her home? She seemed a little, I don’t know, clingy maybe.” The light turned green, and Sonny started to drive again.

“Uh, yeah, she had a nightmare last night. Just the typical stuff, you know, where she ends up alone.” He twisted his ring. “I think in this one I died, and then she couldn’t find you, and when she finally found the apartment, Gina said you’d married somebody else who had a kid and didn’t want her anymore.”

The car was silent other than the rain and the windshield wipers. “We had a long talk afterward,” Rafael finally said. “I told her that no matter what, you would still be her dad, and that you love her always. She said she hates that she thinks things like that.”

Sonny pulled into a parking spot close to the front of their building and hit the lights. “Am I giving her enough attention? Why does she always think I’d rather be with Rollins’ kids than her?”

Rafael shook his head. “Because she’s adopted? Because she’s very sensitive and tender-hearted? Because she’s always worrying she’s not good enough? It’s not you, Soleado. It’s one of the reasons she’s in therapy, remember?” Turning his head, he saw Sonny gazing at him with a warm half-smile. “What?”

Sonny’s eyes met his. “I didn’t know if you’d ever call me that again...Soleado…”

Rafael reached over slowly and took his hand, then squeezed it. 

Sonny leaned over partway. “I’ll always love you. I can’t imagine ever not loving you, Rafael.” He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Rafael’s, slow and soft and heady, before reaching back and cupping the back of his husband’s head. Rafael moved in closer for a kiss, and after a second, his lips were pressed against Sonny’s, deep and loving.

They kissed without worry of time or place, until finally Rafael’s phone rang and he pulled back. “Marley”, he chuckled as he answered it. “Yes dear….mmhmm…” Glancing at Sonny, he said, “Daddy and I just pulled up now. I’ll be up in a few minutes. Tell Sally...and yes, you can watch it if you’ve brushed your teeth. Love you too.” He went to shove the phone back in his pocket. “She, uh, she’s in a hurry to start watching MasterChef Junior. I’m gonna have to keep her out of the kitchen tonight...it’s too late for her to be experimenting.”

Sonny chuckled. “Yeah. Tell her she can try out some things at my place on Saturday.” He smiled as Rafael turned back to him. “So I’ll see you on Saturday, when you drop her off...and Rafi...thank you again for setting this up. It’s a good thing.”

Rafael nodded. “See you Saturday.”

Sonny watched him go into the building until he couldn’t see him anymore, then he turned the car back into traffic and headed home.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She swirled her wine in the glass, then looked at him. “I apologize if you’re not ready for this conversation, but I was afraid if I waited much longer, we would never have it, and I don’t want to lose you as a friend forever. The last few months have been hard enough.”
> 
> He chuckled harshly. “Really? Try losing your spouse. Oh wait, you don’t have one.”
> 
> The callousness of his words seemed to hit both of them at the same time. He closed his eyes in a wince, and she visibly shifted away from him. When he opened his eyes again, he could see the hurt reflected in her features. “Rafa,” she said quietly, “you have to know that was never my intent.”
> 
> *****  
> A chapter about love, forgiveness, family, and shaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> No particular notes for this chapter.
> 
> Comments and kudos are so helpful for me. I look forward to reading your comments and I think about each of them in moving forward.

“I don’t know, Jesse...are you sure about this?” Marley asked as Jesse soaped up her calf.

Jesse rolled her eyes. “Trust me, Marley Mae, I know what I’m doing. I shave my legs ALL the time. I’ve been doing it since I was…” she paused, thinking. “Since my birthday a couple months ago, anyway. Trust me, you’re gonna have silky smooth legs, just like those girls on the commercials! You’ll LOVE it!”

“Okay…just don’t cut me…” Marley bit her lip as Jesse carefully brought the razor up her leg to a stop just below the knee. She peered down to get a closer look. “Oh my God,” she said, clearly impressed. “You did it! It’s smooth!”

“Told you,” Jesse said proudly, rinsing the razor, then returning to Marley’s ankle to shave another path up to her knee. “I could be an aesthetician when I grow up--that’s a person who makes you beautiful. Don’t tell Momma, though...she’d die if she thought I was gonna do something that didn’t make me go to college.”

“Your mom would be mad if you don’t go to college?” Marley asked. “That’s weird.”

“Not really. What about your dads? I bet Uncle Rafi would be so pissed if you don’t go! Momma says he’s so smart it’s ridic!” Jesse rinsed the razor again. “You know your papi went to, like, Yale or Harvard or something, right?”

Marley shrugged her shoulders. She knew that Papi went to Harvard, that he worked really hard to go. He’d earned a scholarship, which Daddy said was very hard to do, but Papi had been smart enough and worked hard enough to make it happen. He didn’t brag a lot about it, though. Daddy had gone to Fordham, and for some reason, Papi always thought that was funny. Every time it came up, he’d say, “Booyah, Fordham Law!” and start laughing, and then Daddy would elbow him in the gut. Then they’d both be laughing until one of them kissed the other.

There was nobody to kiss Daddy here.

“Okay, now rinse your legs off,” Jesse instructed, and Marley turned the water on in the tub, then hung her legs over the edge. “So do you want to go to college? What are you gonna do when you grow up?”

Marley splashed some water on her legs, watching the soap swirl into the drain. “I dunno,” she said, “maybe sing or write music. I’m good at playing piano, and I like singing. Or I might be a teacher. That might be fun.” She grabbed a towel and started to dry her legs off.

“You’re not gonna be a lawyer like your dads?” Jesse looked confused. “I figured that was for sure with you--you’re smart and both of your dads are lawyers...you know, hardly anybody gets to be a real singer. Or they get famous for one song and then nobody hears them again. I bet your dads think you’re gonna be a lawyer, even if they haven’t said it yet.”

A sudden knock on the bathroom door interrupted them. “Girls? What are you doing in there?”

“Just gettin’ pretty, Uncle Sonny!” Jesse called, grinning at Marley, who grinned right back.

“Can I open the door, please? The last time you girls got pretty together, both of you ended up with pixie haircuts, remember?” Jesse opened the door to see her uncle Sonny standing, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised. “What are you doing in here? Is that a razor--” he took it from Jesse’s hand--”what are you two doing?”

“Shaving, if you must know,” Jesse told him. “Your little girl isn’t a baby, and doesn’t want to look like a gorilla when she sings at the Holiday Festival.”

He narrowed his eyes and looked back and forth between the girls. “First, the Holiday Festival isn’t for a month. Second, Marlene, I’d like to speak to you privately for a minute, please. In the bedroom. And you, Miss Sass,” he said, pointing to Jesse, “need to get that sass of yours under control or your momma’s gonna be hearing about it, and I mean sooner rather than later. Capiche?”

“Sorry, Uncle Sonny,” Jesse said, sounding halfway sincere, and Marley gave her a slight smile as she followed her father into his bedroom and he closed the door.

“Honey.” Sonny moved around her in the tiny room and sat down on the bed, motioning for her to sit beside him. “If you wanted to shave anything, Papi or I would be happy to help you, or find someone who will...you don’t have to resort to Jesse. Did she cut you or give you razor burn? Where did you shave?”

“Just my legs...down here…” She showed him her calves, and he did a quick inspection, noting one small nick. “It’s okay I think, I don’t think I need a bandaid, Daddy. And nothing was on fire so I don’t know how she could have burned me.”

He chuckled. “That’s just a term...sometimes if you aren’t careful to make sure your skin is wet and you use shaving cream, it can sting afterward. That’s called razor burn. Did she use shaving cream? And after this, we need to get you your own razors, if you decide you want to shave. Mine aren’t really appropriate for you.”

“She used soap,” Marley told him. “I don’t have all the cool girl stuff she has, so we thought it would work okay...Auntie ‘Manda told her in emergencies that soap is okay.”

“Cool girl stuff, huh?” he repeated, and he let go of her calf, then met her eyes. “What exactly are we talking about here?”

“Just...stuff.” She crossed her arms. “I think you guys forget sometimes I’m a girl. I mean, I don’t wanna run around in prissy skirts and fancy shoes like for church all the time, but I’m not a baby anymore. Jesse has such cool stuff, Daddy...body washes and curling irons and even deodorant. It all smells so  _ good! _ ” She pulled at the armpits of her t-shirt. “I don’t think my pits stink too bad most days, but I know they do after soccer, cause I can smell them myself. I know you said just take a shower, and I do, but it’s kind of stinky.”

Sonny suddenly had a vision of Molly Shannon in the movie Superstar, rubbing her hands under her armpits and then smelling them, and he winced at the thought of Marlene resorting to the same thing. “You’re right,” he told her, “we need to do a better job. Why don’t you make a list of what you think you need and I will talk to Papi, and we’ll figure out how to get everything taken care of, okay?”

She nodded, then hopped off the bed. “That would be good, because I need one more bra already,” she told him.

“Are you kidding?” he asked. “You just got those two months ago! What do you need another one for?”

“Because I’d really like two that I can wear that look nice and fit right. And just...jeez, Daddy, you know! Things grow!”

Despite her deep olive complexion, he could easily read the blush in her cheeks, and he knew his were turning just as red. “Okay, okay! I got it. Forget I said anything. I’m gonna order the pizza now. And Marley--” He waited until she turned to face him again. “I know Jesse is older than you, but don’t do anything foolish just because she suggests it. Just because she says it, doesn’t make it a good idea. Know what I mean?”

She did. She’d already seen plenty of examples tonight. “Yeah, I know, Daddy. I’ll be smart, I promise.”

He nodded. “I’m ordering the pizza and calling your papi. If the pizza guy comes before I’m out there, don’t open the door. Wait for me.”

“Got it,” she told him, giving him two thumbs up, then left his room, closing the door behind her.

Sonny placed a quick order with the pizzeria a block away, then called Rafael. He answered his phone immediately. “Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Sonny told him. “Jesse shaved Marlene’s legs, though.”

“Well thank God somebody did,” he teased. “Look, I’m sorry but I need to go right now...I have a guest over. Can I call you later tonight?”

“Oh, sure,” Sonny replied, surprised. “I’ll talk with you then.”

“Thanks, Sonny. Bye.”

Hanging up, Sonny shoved the phone in his pocket and headed into the front room with the girls.

***

“I realize you think if I drink enough scotch I’ll forget about what happened,” Rafael said as Olivia took a sip of her Cabernet, “but you’d be wrong about that. You’ve managed to firmly imprint a traumatic memory in my mind. In fact, I’m a bit confused as to why you’re here. I only started really talking to my husband again a few weeks ago. I don’t know what in the world makes you think I’m ready to start talking to you.” He heard himself say it, and a small part of him felt rebelliously proud. He’d never stood up to Olivia Benson like this, even when they worked together. 

Then again, she’d never almost cost him his marriage before.

She swirled her wine in the glass, then looked at him. “I apologize if you’re not ready for this conversation, but I was afraid if I waited much longer, we would never have it, and I don’t want to lose you as a friend forever. The last few months have been hard enough.”

He chuckled harshly. “Really? Try losing your spouse. Oh wait, you don’t have one.”

The callousness of his words seemed to hit both of them at the same time. He closed his eyes in a wince, and she visibly shifted away from him. When he opened his eyes again, he could see the hurt reflected in her features. “Rafa,” she said quietly, “you have to know that was never my intent.”

“I’m aware. Your intent was to save me from myself. How noble, Captain.” He raised his glass, then sipped his scotch. God, he could be such an asshole.

“Partially,” she acknowledged, before she lifted her chin and he saw the Benson he knew come to life. “Actually, Sonny told me you two were engaging in ageplay and he gave me very little detail. I took that to mean that there was sex involved in that, because I’ve never heard of it NOT being involved. I was scared for you, for him, for Marlene. I’m a mandated reporter too, in case you’ve forgotten. Based on what he’d told me, I had to find out if you guys were safe. If the situation were reversed, if you found out I was having sex with a man while he was pretending to be a child that was Noah’s age, would you have concerns? Or would you just say, ‘to each his own’?”

“You and I both know that what people think and pretend in their heads is very different than an actual crime with an actual victim, Liv,” he said, leaning forward. “Even if you thought it was sexual, why not talk to me by myself? Why drag in your therapist friend?”

“Your husband asked for that. He was concerned about you. God forbid anyone be concerned for you, Rafael.” She put her wine glass down and crossed her arms. “And you never answered my question about Noah--”

“What you do in your bedroom is none of my business,” he snapped. “If I heard you were doing that? Of course I’d be concerned. But I’d respect you enough to go straight to you and talk about it, rather than bringing in the cavalry when you least expect it!”

“You know what?” she said, standing and grabbing her coat, “I’m sorry, Rafael. I really, truly am sorry. I would never intentionally hurt you or Sonny or Marlene, not in a million years. I did what I did because I was trying to make sure that nobody was being hurt and there was no danger of anyone being hurt. You’re right, I pushed in where I shouldn’t have. I fucked up. I thought I could apologize and we could maybe move on from this over time. But it’s clear that you’re not thinking this is a forgivable mistake.” She yanked her coat on and stormed to the door, then swung around as he stood up. “I truly am sorry, Rafa. I love you and I love your family. I wish I could take it back. I really do. But I won’t apologize for looking out for Marlene.” Her eyes were glistening with tears as she reached for the door.

“Stop, Liv.” He moved closer to her. “Honestly? I am so devastated that you think I could do anything that would hurt my daughter. I haven’t been able to get over it. I’m in therapy on my own, plus with Sonny. Marley’s in therapy too. Because of this--all of this--” He waved his hands around. “All of this is because I just…” He shook his head and looked away from her. “Because I just wanted to feel loved and accepted as a kid.” He turned away from her then, walking back to the couch and sinking down. “I just need to know in the future that you’d come to me. I understand you didn’t have the info you needed. I know you were trying to help Sonny. And I know you love my daughter.” He rested his face in his hands, with his elbows on his knees.

“Rafa.” She walked back over and sat next to him. “Can you forgive any of what I did? I know my thinking was skewed, coming off that case. Maybe if you had been part of that, you’d understand how blended those roles got to be for that family...nobody knew what the boundaries should be any more. And then when Sonny said you guys were playing with the same thing...that he had concerns it was going on too much...I overreacted. I knew enough to be dangerous, I realize now.” She rested a hand on his knee. “I’m sorry.”

He turned to look at her. Her large brown eyes were gazing at him softly.

He missed her. He’d not even allowed himself to mourn the loss of this friendship because he’d been so angry, but now, as he looked at her, he thought about how much she loved him and had demonstrated that love time and again. He loved her too, and tried to show it as much as he could, but she had always been a blessing to him. She’d always forgiven his transgressions, and he had no right to hold forgiveness back from her now.

“Of course I forgive you,” he said gruffly, taking her hand in his. “I have to. I love you too much not to forgive.”

He watched the smile creep across her face as her features softened. “I love you too, Rafa,” she told him then, letting their foreheads touch. “Forever and always, you’re my friend.”

He smiled then, and a little piece of his broken soul slipped back into place.

***

“She says we need to get with it, and I think she may be right,” Sonny told him later that night.

Rafael had a comfortable buzz from the scotch, and he chuckled. “So what does she want? Razors and shaving cream? Deodorant? That should all be fine.” He took another sip of his drink. Saturdays were his night to imbibe, and he still took full advantage.

“And more bras. And other girl stuff...I don’t know, Rafi. She said something about hair stuff and body wash...I think she’s heading toward asking for makeup.”

He sighed. “I wouldn’t be surprised. A lot of the girls in her class are starting to wear it. I feel kind of bad that I never thought about the shaving...I guess maybe I do still see her as a little girl.”

“Yeah. Me too. I was talking to Amanda earlier, and did you know that Jesse has pads and tampons? She also has makeup and body lotion and face wash and all that teenage stuff. The kid’s eleven! She hasn’t started her period, so I don’t understand why she needs that stuff. Amanda said it’s so she’s ready when she does start. She said girls like to have it, it makes them feel secure. I dunno. She suggested letting Marley put together a list of what she thinks she needs from Amazon, and then us looking over the list and discussing it if we think we need to. Then we can purchase the items. And oh, just so you know, our daughter says she needs another bra because  _ ‘geez daddy! Things grow!’” _

Rafael burst into laughter at that. “That fast?” he asked. “I think she’s maybe just decided she wants to look more endowed than she actually is.”

“Well, you know, she really ended up loving one of the bras Amanda got her, and I think she wants more like that one. I think that’s what’s really going on.” He sighed. “When did our baby hit the tweens?”

“Technically, about eighteen months ago,” Rafael chuckled. “How’s the sleepover going? Other than Jesse de-hairing our daughter, I mean.”

“Fine.” Sonny stretched out on his bed. “They’re asleep, or they were fifteen minutes ago when I checked. How’d it go with your guest?” 

Rafael smiled. “You can ask who it was. I have no secrets from you. I’m not seeing anyone behind your back, Sonny.”

“Okay then,” Sonny returned, “who was it?”

“Olivia. She wanted to talk out what had happened, and we did. So that’s done, I guess.”

“Oh.” Sonny fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “So you guys are good now?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “We’re good.”

Sonny sighed. “I hope you and I are good soon, too. I really want us back together. I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Rafael said, toeing off his shoes so he could relax on the bed better. “I’m hoping it’ll be soon, but I think we need to talk with Renata about it, first, you know?”

“Yeah, I agree with that.” Sonny rested his hand on his stomach. “What do you think about doing date nights again? We could just agree to dinner or a movie or something on Fridays, if you want...I don’t know if Sally can babysit, but if she can’t, I can rustle up a Carisi to watch the kid.”

Rafael chuckled. “We can figure something out. I think I’d like that...renewing our date nights. I miss those.” Rafael lay down on his back and slipped his hand into the waistband of his sweats. “I miss you.” His voice was lower, sexier now, and Rafael closed his eyes, picturing his husband next to him.

“I miss you too, Rafi…” Sonny’s voice was quiet. “I wish I was there with you now.”

“Do you? If you were, I’d have my hands in your hair, tugging you on top of me. I’d be kissing you, tasting you, with you pressed against me.” Rafael put his phone on speaker and lay it on the nightstand, then pulled his sweats and underwear down.

Sonny chuckled sexily. “Would you now? I can hear you, y’know. Getting ready to get your hands on yourself?” His voice dropped as he said, “I’m jealous. I want to be licking every inch of you, watching you swell, feeling you grow in my mouth.” Sonny undid his belt buckle and unbuttoned, then unzipped his jeans. Slipping a hand inside, he worked his cock out enough to stroke it. “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had, Rafael. You know me inside and out. You can make me climax faster and easier than anyone else. God, I just want to be sucking you, slipping fingers inside of your ass, prepping you to bury myself inside you. I wanna mark you all up, Rafi. Leave marks all over your thighs, your chest, your ass. Anyone who sees you will know you’re mine. They’ll know you’ve got someone who loves you, fucks you, makes you come hard…”

Rafael was breathing heavily, jerking his cock roughly, swiping a thumb over the slit and spreading the precum over the head. “I fucking love you, Sonny...you make me feel so good. Want you all the time...wanna feel you buried in me, fucking me hard and fast. Pull my hair? Tell me how it feels, how you love it?” He whined softly, imagining Sonny sinking his teeth into his thigh and sucking heartily. “I miss this...I miss you...wanna come with you, baby...uh…” He thrust into his own fist, fantasizing that his husband was fucking him passionately.

“Are you jerking that beautiful cock?” Sonny murmured. “Next time I’m facetiming you so I can watch every move you make, baby.” Sonny’s hand flew over his dick. “I wanna come with you. You gonna come with me, Rafi? Gonna let loose...are you close, baby? You gonna come?”

“Yes,” Rafael grunted, feeling himself getting close. The pleasure was sparking throughout his abdomen, his groin, and he imagined Sonny grasping his hair, pulling his head back as he came. Suddenly, he heard Sonny again. “Now, baby...come on, come now...let go...ah…” Rafael thrust upward and arched, eyes closed, as his semen landed about his belly and thighs.

Sonny heard Rafael grunt, then gasp, the sounds he equated with his husband’s orgasm, and it sent him over the edge, hard. He closed his own eyes, gasping, as his orgasm took over him. He saw sparks and his ears buzzed as he came, wishing more than anything he was with Rafael. 

He was still coming down when he heard, “Baby...you still there?”

He fumbled blindly, picking up his phone. “Yeah, I’m here...you good?”

He heard Rafael snort. “I wanna be this good all the time.”

Sonny chuckled softly. “That makes two of us.” He swiped at a bit of cum on his stomach. “I wish I was there to clean you up.”

Rafael smiled into the phone and stretched his body. “I wish…” So many things. He wished Sonny was with him, naked and kissing him. He wished they were together; he wished their family was in one house and everyone was happy. He wished what had happened had never happened. But he bit his tongue, then said, “I’ll be glad when we’re together again...when we both feel comfortable again.”

“Me too, Rafael...I love you.” Sonny felt his heart beating quickly, a small bit of anxiety at the thought of Rafael possibly not returning the sentiment. But a moment later, his lover spoke, and he relaxed fully.

“Te amo, Soleado...forever.”

“Talk tomorrow?” Sonny asked, and at Rafael’s affirmative response, they hung up.

Sonny cleaned up quietly and changed into a pair of sweats and a tee, then decided to pee in on the girls. He left his room and tiptoed into the living room. Marley was sound asleep on the futon, but Jesse’s blue eyes were following him as he walked.

“You okay, Jess?” He whispered, and she nodded. He smiled at her and checked the deadbolt, then turned to head back to her room.

“Uncle Sonny?” Her voice was soft, so he bent down and sat next to her on the floor.

“What’s up, honey?” he asked, smoothing her hair.

Jesse looked at Marley for a second, then back at Sonny. “Are you and Uncle Rafi gonna get a divorce? Cause if you do, I was wondering if you could maybe marry Momma.”

Sonny’s mouth flew open, but no sound came out.

“Think about it though!” she said, little hands in front of her, animatedly explaining her point. “It could be so awesome! Me an’ Billie would have a dad, and Marley would have sisters! And you an’ Momma love each other. I know you’re gay but I bet you could learn to like kissing Momma sometimes...she’s real pretty and she even brushes her teeth a lot! And…” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “she even has some pretty bras! Boys like that stuff, right?”

Sonny smiled tenderly at her, knowing he was about to crush a big dream. “Honey, Uncle Rafi and I are staying married. We love each other very much. And even if we got divorced, your momma and I don’t love each other like that. We have a very special friend kind of love, but not a married kind of love. Your mom may decide to get married one day, or she may not. She’s a wonderful, beautiful, kind lady, and no matter what, I always want her to be happy...just like I want you to be happy. Understand?”

Jesse lay her head down on her pillow again. “Sometimes I just wish I had a mom and a dad is all.”

“Yeah,” he commiserated, “Marley sometimes wishes she had a mom or a brother or sister, I’m sure. I used to wish I had a brother.”

“You did?” she asked, eyes drowsily lowering.

“I did, sweetie. What do you say you go on to sleep, okay?” She nodded, and he stood up.

“I love you, Uncle Sonny,” she murmured sleepily. “So does Marley.”

He smiled to himself, watching her drift off, and then he meandered back to his room, closing the door.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So what happened that day?” she asked again, and he shifted anxiously on the couch.
> 
> “Mami had gone to work...I think I was waiting for Abuelita to get me. I was thirsty and tried to pour a cup of milk, and it spilled.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I should’ve waited, like he told me. He had said, ‘chico, espara’. (Boy, wait.)” Rafael chuckled. “Man, he hated it when he felt like people weren’t listening to him. He’d slam my head against the wall and scream stuff like, ‘Chico, me estas escuchando?’ and, ‘Eres sorto, idiota’?” Seeing Renata’s confusion, he translated. “That’s stuff like ‘are you deaf’ or ‘boy, are you listening to me?’. But the first time, yeah, it was over the literal spilled milk.”
> 
> Renata shifted in her chair, then clicked her pen cap. “So you spilled the milk, trying to get a drink by yourself. What happened then?”
> 
> He laughed uncomfortably. “Wow, you’re not gonna drop this.”
> 
> Renata smiled at him and continued to wait.  
> *****  
> Rafael has a painful session with Renata and seeks solace in Sonny's arms. (TW: descriptions of child abuse)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thanks for reading!
> 
> A couple notes for this chapter--
> 
> First, trigger warning for descriptions of child abuse. 
> 
> This chapter also contains explicit sexual scenes between Rafael and Sonny. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are truly appreciated! I respond to all comments, so if you have any thoughts or suggestions I'm happy to hear them. Please enjoy!

“I want to talk about spanking,” Renata said, and Rafael took another sip of his coffee. “Tell me about the first time you remember being spanked.”

He set his cup down on the end table between them, turning it back and forth. “We have to talk about this?” he asked, trying to sound jovial, but his anxiety was clear.

“I think it would be helpful. You’ve mentioned several times how abusive your father was, and you’ve told me some of your injuries and a bit of the fallout, but you’ve never really talked about the incidents when they happened. It’s interesting to me that you asked Sonny if he was going to spank you when you had been playing and had broken a rule. I’d like to know more about what that first spanking was like for you when you were a little boy. Tell me how it happened.”

He sighed again. “Um, well...I’m not sure exactly how old I was, the time I remember I was probably five or so. I think I may have been spanked before that but I don’t really remember.”

“So what happened that day?” she asked again, and he shifted anxiously on the couch.

“Mami had gone to work...I think I was waiting for Abuelita to get me. I was thirsty and tried to pour a cup of milk, and it spilled.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I should’ve waited, like he told me. He had said, ‘chico, espara’. (Boy, wait.)” Rafael chuckled. “Man, he  _ hated  _ it when he felt like people weren’t listening to him. He’d slam my head against the wall and scream stuff like, ‘Chico, me estas escuchando?’ and, ‘Eres sorto, idiota’?” Seeing Renata’s confusion, he translated. “That’s stuff like ‘are you deaf’ or ‘boy, are you listening to me?’. But the first time, yeah, it was over the literal spilled milk.”

Renata shifted in her chair, then clicked her pen cap. “So you spilled the milk, trying to get a drink by yourself. What happened then?”

He laughed uncomfortably. “Wow, you’re not gonna drop this.”

Renata smiled at him and continued to wait.

“I spilled the milk and...and he spanked me.” Rafael shrugged again, then picked up his coffee cup and took a long sip. “I don’t know what you’re looking for here. He was violent, it wasn’t fun. Was I scared? Sure, I was a little kid. I don’t know why I said it to Sonny, why I suggested it. It just came out.” He crossed his arms, then sat back in the chair. “Fine. You want a play by play? I was thirsty and asked for a glass of milk. He told me to wait. I waited, but I was really thirsty. I hadn’t had a drink yet that day. So I went into the kitchen and got a cup and tried to pour the milk. Almost made it, but I knocked it over when I tried to pick the cup up. I got a hand towel and started trying to clean it up, quickly, before anyone knew.” He lay his hands on his knees. “I didn’t even hear him, he just literally picked me up by the back of my shirt and uprighted me. Straight to his face, and then he said ‘you stupid little shit, i thought i told you to wait.’ Then he sat down, pulled my pants down and put me in his lap, and said, ‘you get five cause you’re five’. And then he spanked me five times. Full force. I was bruised for days.”

Renata watched as his knee shook anxiously over and over again. “Rafael, how did you feel when that was going on?”

“Seriously?” he snapped, knee still shaking wildly. “I was terrified. What do you think? I barely reached his belt. He felt like a giant and I was scared he was going to hurt me really badly...I was always scared of that.” He shook his head and rested his head in his hands again, elbows on his knees, now shaking his foot anxiously. “I was crying...it hurt and I was so scared. He hit so hard and my feet weren’t on the floor. I-I couldn’t reach it, when I was bent over his lap and I thought I was gonna fall forward on my head.” Rafael could see his tears dripping off his nose, onto his lap, and his breathing was sharp and heavy.

“Keep going,” Renata encouraged quietly. “You’re doing great.”

“When he finished, he pulled my pants up and stood me upright, then caught my shirt by the neck and pulled my face close to his, and he told me that he wouldn’t have any stupid boys, and I needed to be a smart boy if I was gonna be his son. Then he...he kissed my forehead and told me to go play.” He rubbed his eyes, sobbing quietly to himself.

“When you were playing with Sonny and you said you broke the rule with his phone, and he told you that you would get a consequence, tell me what you thought would happen.”

“I’m...I’m so embarrassed…”

“You’re safe here,” she reminded him. “Sonny called you buddy, didn’t he? That’s what you told me...he calls you buddy and you call him Daddy, right?”

Rafael nodded, but closed his eyes. He couldn’t stand to even look at another person. The shame in his soul was eating at him.

“Rafael, what did you think Daddy was going to do to buddy? Did you think he would spank buddy?”

Rafael nodded. “Maybe. But not hard. Through his clothes, and Daddy would...would say I was a good boy no matter what..”

“What else would Daddy say to you?

Rafael continued to sob quietly. “That I’m a good boy and he loves me, and he’s so lucky...he’s so lucky to have such a good boy…” He bent over fully, leaning against the side of the loveseat, sobbing. “He never loved me...he never wanted me...I only wanted to be his son…” As he sobbed, he could hear Renata speaking softly.

“I know you did, Rafael. You were just a little boy who wanted his father’s love. You only wanted to be accepted. It hurts so badly not to be accepted by your father. And it feels so nice to hear that Daddy loves you exactly how you are.” Renata continued to speak softly to him, affirming the painful feelings coming forward. A lifetime of pain and rejection stemming from one man, and they were only scratching the surface.

***

“Come on in.” Sonny held the door open for Rafael, who paused, unsure, before stepping inside. “Can I get you anything? Coffee, maybe?”

Rafael was clearly drained. His posture was bent and turned inward on himself, hands shoved in his pockets, face drawn and eyes swollen. Sonny could tell on the phone he’d been crying, and had immediately said yes when he’d asked to come over. “Maybe just some water,” Rafael said now at Sonny’s suggestion of a drink, and Sonny nodded, returning a minute later with a couple of glasses of ice water.

“So what’s going on?” he asked, taking a seat next to Rafael on the couch. “I can tell you’re not okay. I’d be worried about Marley, except you already told me she’s okay and with your mom.”

That had been the first thing Rafael had said when he’d called. “Marley’s fine. My mom picked her up from school and is keeping her tonight. I just...could I come over?” Everything had been punctuated with sniffles and nose blows, and Sonny had immediately agreed.

Rafael took a sip of water. “I had a really intense session with Renata today,” he began, then set his glass on a coaster and pulled his jacket tighter around him. “She wanted to know about the first time my dad hit me. Spanked me, whatever. I’d forgotten about it until now. It was so terrifying for me, so scary. She took me through that and then took me through imagining what would have happened if we had played out a scene where Daddy gave buddy a consequence.” He was crying again, and he sniffled and grabbed a tissue. “I can’t believe I put all that emotional weight on you, Sonny. I can’t believe I relied so much on you to fix this for me.”

“Rafael...come here.” He couldn’t resist it, pulling Rafael into his arms then, rocking him back and forth. “It’s going to be okay, honey. We’re working it out, remember?”

Rafael shuddered in Sonny’s arms. “I do, I remember...but it was so unfair, what I did to you, Sonny. I just need you to know that I realize that...I get how unfair I was being, dumping this on you. Wanting you to fix something so massive…” he shuddered and gasped again.

“Rafi...you wanted an alternative experience to replace what had happened...something that would feel better, happier. Nobody can blame you for that.” Sonny cupped his face so he could look in his eyes. “I’m not angry or resentful, Rafi. I never have been. I just...I was afraid I couldn’t give you what you needed, and I knew I wasn’t getting what I needed.”

“What you needed,” Rafael repeated softly, meeting Sonny’s eyes. Shakily, he leaned forward again, this time kissing Sonny deeply. Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny’s body, kissing him thoroughly, then moving a hand into Sonny’s hair, stroking the back of his head gently. His other hand moved slowly from Sonny’s back around to his chest, sliding down to his groin, where Rafael gave a firm squeeze. “I wanna make love to you, Sonny,” he whispered. “Whatever you want, whatever you need...it’s time for you to be MY focus. Tell me what you want, what will feel good...” He tugged at the snap on Sonny’s jeans.

Sonny caught his hand. “Listen to me, Rafi...you don’t owe me anything. We’re even, okay? I love you, honey...all I want is for you to know I love you.”

“I know. I know you love me,” Rafael repeated, then stood up, still holding Sonny’s hand. “Your bedroom...is it this way?” He pointed in the direction of the tiny hallway leading to Sonny’s bedroom.

Sonny stood. “Are you sure about this, Rafi? I know it’s been emotionally taxing for you today, and I don’t want you to--” 

Rafael was kissing him again, lips and body pressed against his own, hands slowly roaming over his back down to his ass, squeezing and stroking. Sonny finally pulled back for a breath. “Yeah. That way.”

***

“I love you, Rafi...forever and always…” He pressed a kiss to Rafael’s neck as Rafael wrapped his legs more tightly around his waist. Sonny's thrusts were deep and rhythmic, and Rafael moaned in response to Sonny’s words. “You feel so good, honey. I love being inside you...I’ve missed this so much…” He kissed his husband’s face repeatedly, until Rafael opened his eyes and smiled back at him.

“You feel so good too, Soleado...ah, I love it when you’re fucking me like this...ah, yes…” Their lips met and their tongues tangled, and Sonny felt pleasure shoot through his entire body as he continued thrusting. Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny loosely, running his hands up and down, over his back and his ass, randomly squeezing. “So perfect,”he murmured again. “So beautiful...so sexy...I love you, Soleado…” Rafael’s rambling just served to turn both of them on even more. Sonny pulled back slightly and slipped his arms behind Rafael’s thighs, then pulled his legs up to his shoulders, changing the angle. When he thrust again, Rafael cried out in pleasure. “God yes! Right there, Sonny...please…” Sonny thrust repeatedly, aiming for the same spot as Rafael clung to his arms, whimpering and gasping repeatedly. 

“Look at you, Rafi...so beautiful...love you...love making you come…” Sonny sped up, lost in the thrill of their lovemaking. 

“God yes, baby...do you feel good, Sonny? Want you to feel so good...God, baby, I’m so close…” Rafael gripped Sonny’s biceps as Sonny drove into him. “I love you, honey...need you, need you so much…” Rafael felt Sonny thrust hard, then heard him groan as he felt Sonny’s warm semen fill him. “Yes, honey, like that...you’re so beautiful...look at you...I love you, Soleado…” Sonny’s head dropped for a moment, then he slowly pulled his body up to look at Rafael. He kissed one calf and lowered it, then kissed the other and did the same as he pulled out of Rafael’s body. 

“Let’s finish you, huh?” he murmured, and watched as Rafael smiled beautifully at him. Sonny wrapped a fist around Rafael’s cock and watched as Rafael’s eyes rolled back in his head and his eyelids closed. “That’s right, sexy,” Sonny murmured to Rafael as he moved next to him, tonguing at his ear. “Let’s see you come...I want to watch you...watch you feel good…” Rafael thrust upward and whined, then tangled a hand in Sonny’s hair. “Your cock is beautiful,” Sonny continued, urging Rafael on, “so thick...you’re so ready, so red and swollen, filled with me, with my cum in you…” Rafael cried out softly then, clutching at Sonny as he came, short ribbons of cum landing both on his own belly and on Sonny’s hip beside him.

Sonny kissed him gently on the temple. “I can’t believe how lucky I am to love you,” Sonny told him, brushing his nose against the side of Rafael’s face. “People search their entire lives and never find love like this...you are irreplaceable.”

Rafael opened his eyes, gazing into the deep blue depths looking at him. He reached up and stroked Sonny’s cheek. “You belong at home. We belong together.”

Sonny smiled. “As soon as we see Renata in a couple days, lay out some ground rules we’re both comfortable with. And if you still think it’s a good idea, you know, after you’ve recovered from me rocking your world.”

Now Rafael grinned. “Hmm. I seem to recall somebody beat you to it...I think I beat you to world-rocking. You came first, querido, remember?”

“I do, but only because I was trying to finish so that I wouldn’t make you wait too long.” He leaned down and blew a raspberry on Rafael’s stomach as Rafael tried to tickle his ribs. They both ended up giggling, wrapped in each other, and pressing kisses wherever they could reach.

Eventually, Rafael’s head was lying on Sonny’s chest, their legs entangled, and Sonny kissed Rafael’s hair. “Hey baby…” Sonny said quietly, “Daddy was wondering if my buddy might want his consequence from a few months ago now.”

He felt Rafael stiffen in his arms. “I don’t know if we should, Sonny...and I really don’t want to make things worse. I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you.”

“That’s why I brought it up--if I bring it up, it’s my idea, and you can be clear that you’re NOT using me. I want to do this, if for no other reason than to give us both closure. I want to let my buddy know his consequence...so if we decide we are never going to play like that again, it’s got a reasonable ending that you’ll never have to worry about. But we do need to put our clothes on to do it...that part is important here.”

“Okay…” Rafael finally agreed. “I’ll get dressed, and I’ll take your lead when you’re ready, okay?”

Sonny nodded, then tossed Rafael’s shirt to him, and he pulled it on. A couple minutes later they were both fully dressed, and Rafael was sitting on the edge of the bed. Sonny walked over and bent down, on his knees. “Hey buddy? Remember when you kept playing with my phone even when I told you no?”

Rafael felt self-conscious, but slowly nodded. “Yeah. I just like it, Daddy. It’s cool.”

Sonny smiled. “Yeah, I agree. It is cool. Do you remember when you asked if I was going to spank you?”

Rafael nodded. “I just said that cause…” he paused for a moment, thinking about being pulled up to his father’s height by the back of his shirt, of his father’s calloused hands as they hit him, of being called stupid. “I said that because my real daddy spanked me hard and it scared me so bad.” He looked at Sonny, then back to his hands in his lap. “Really, really bad.”

Sonny tilted Rafael’s head up with his index finger. “That’s why Daddy is never gonna hit you, buddy. People aren’t made for hitting. You’re too precious to be hit, whether you’re my five year old buddy, or my forty-five year old husband, or anyone else. If you continue to play with my phone without permission, I will be taking your phone and you will not be able to use it for awhile. Understand me, buddy?”

Rafael nodded. “Daddy?”

Sonny smiled at him. “What is it, honey?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I used your phone when I shouldnt. And I’m sorry that I like playing with you, Daddy. I’m sorry I haven’t been very fair.”

Sonny was shaking his head. “I think we need to talk with Renata, to find a good balance for how I can best take care of my sweet boy. Because sometimes I really like being a daddy, too.” Sonny stood up. “Would you like Daddy to give you a hug, honey?” At Rafael’s nod, he sat on the bed next to him and pulled him into a warm, enveloping hug. “There you are, sweetheart. You’ve had a rough time lately, and I know you’ve had to be such a big boy with no hugs, with Daddy not around. I’m very proud of you, my sweet boy. I’m a lucky daddy for sure, having a little boy who tries so hard.” He could feel Rafael’s sniffling against his chest again, and he kissed his forehead. “Ready to stop playing?”

“In just a minute,” Rafael told him. “I just want to say one more thing. I love you, Daddy. Thanks for takin’ care of me.”

Sonny couldn’t help but smile. “You’re welcome. Done?”

“Yeah.” Rafael leaned over and kissed Sonny’s cheek. “I guess I should get ready to go home...it’s pretty late and I know you have to work in the morning... plus Pru is by herself.”

“You could stay if you wanted to,” Sonny suggested. “Just go home early in the morning to take her out. She wouldn’t go out until eight, anyway. Did she go out this evening?”

“Yeah...Sonny, I don’t want to get in your way...this is your place…”

“Rafael.” Sonny said it firmly and crossed his arms. “If you want to go home for yourself, then do that. But if you’re doing it for me, I’d love for you to stay. I miss sleeping with you every night. I want to be curled up with you again, naked, all night. What do you say?”

Rafael’s mouth broke into a grin as he reached down, grabbed the hem of his shirt, and yanked it over his head. “I’m in.”


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wrapped up the notes he was working on for a case, then brought up amazon and checked the cart. “Okay...vanilla body wash, secret antiperspirant, razors, shaving gel, fashion girl’s bra with molded cup, bikini panties--wait.” He brought up the picture of the underwear in question and shook his head. “No, I’m not buying these. They’re not appropriate for a ten-year old.”
> 
> “Why?” she asked, half-whining. “Other girls in my class have ones just like that! What’s wrong with them?”
> 
> He sighed. “Honey, you may not have underwear with words written on the butt. We’ve been over this before.”
> 
> “You said my pants can’t have words on the butt. These are underwear. UNDER my clothes, Papi! Nobody’s gonna know!”  
> ***  
> Girly Amazon lists and therapy guidelines for reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thanks for reading!
> 
> The first half of this chapter is about Marlene and her list of girl goodies from Amazon, some of which get shot down pretty quickly by Rafael. Personally, I always hated clothes that had words on the butt. They were super popular when my daughter was a kid, and she never wore any of them. I did not want anyone being inspired to look at her butt long enough to read anything, and I think Rafael agrees with me, lol.
> 
> The second half of the chapter is from Renata's point of view, as a therapist. Interestingly enough, the ageplay that Sonny and Rafael have been engaging in is also used as a technique in play therapy with adults. Adults who suffered abuse as children sometimes respond well to certain types of play therapy, and one of those types is roleplay. I found that interesting! (Yes, I read articles and do research for these fics...I know I'm weird!)
> 
> Renata also mentions the term "enmeshment" and uses it to describe Rafael and Sonny's relationship. If you're not familiar, enmeshment simply describes a relationship where the parties are too close, and kind of blend into each other. If you know people who can't seem to function without each other, that's enmeshment. It's healthy and normal in some situations (for example, when a couple has a new baby...the whole family is enmeshed for the first couple years) but generally, it's not super healthy. I'm pretty sure they'll get into more of why that is at some point, but I'll let Renata explain it for now. :-)
> 
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated! I respond to all comments and look forward to hearing from you!

“I think my list is ready,” Marlene told Rafael as she hopped onto his bed with him. He was working on his laptop, and glanced over at her. “It’s on Amazon.”

“Mmhmm. Give me a second.” He wrapped up the notes he was working on for a case, then brought up amazon and checked the cart. “Okay...vanilla body wash, secret antiperspirant, razors, shaving gel, fashion girl’s bra with molded cup, bikini panties--wait.” He brought up the picture of the underwear in question and shook his head. “No, I’m not buying these. They’re not appropriate for a ten-year old.”

“Why?” she asked, half-whining. “Other girls in my class have ones just like that! What’s wrong with them?”

He sighed. “Honey, you may not have underwear with words written on the butt. We’ve been over this before.”

“You said my pants can’t have words on the butt. These are underwear. UNDER my clothes, Papi! Nobody’s gonna know!”

“I’M going to know,” he told her. “And you just told me that other girls in your class have these, so clearly other girls will see yours as well. And no sequins. If you want to wear sequins, you’re going to have to find a place to put them other than your panties...or your bra, for that matter. Entiendes?”

She made a face. “El viejo,” (old man) she grumbled, crossing her arms. He shot an eyebrow up at her, and she looked away.

“All right,” he said, deleting the objectionable items, “moving on...love’s baby soft.” He was suddenly flooded with memories of fourteen-year old Yelina and the fragrance that followed every move she made. It was sweet and synthetic and he had disliked it, even then. “Have you ever smelled that?”

“Uh-huh! My friend Kelsey has it...why, you think I’m too little to have it?” Her chin jutted out, as though she were expecting a fight.

“No, I don’t. I just don’t particularly care for it, myself. It smells very, uh, fake, I guess, to me. What do you think about us going out sometime to find one that you like, especially, rather than just getting one like your friend?”

“Really?” Marley’s face broke into a grin. “I’d LOVE that, Papi! Like how you always wear your cologne and it smells so good on you! I could have my very own too, that I wear and when people smell it, they think about me...just like when I smell that smell I think about you!”

He smiled. “Sounds good, then. We’ll do that.” He removed the cologne from the list. “Next, makeup train case...what is that?” He brought up the picture to see a large makeup kit described as having thirty eyeshadows, five eyeliners, five blushes, ten lip glosses and four lipsticks, plus an amazing mascara. He turned to his daughter.

“Now don’t freak out, Papi,” she started, seeing his wide eyes. “This is just for practice. Jesse has one too! So when I’m old enough to wear makeup, I’ll know what I’m doing!”

He exhaled slowly. “Marlene, if you want to ask for something like this for Christmas or your birthday, you can do that. But you know how Daddy and I feel about little girls wearing makeup. You’re too young. And I’m not buying this--”

“You treat me like I’m a preschooler! I just wanna practice with it! Other girls already--”

“Stop,” he told her. “I don’t care what other girls do. You are ten years old. If you would like something to wear, Daddy and I have talked, and we have agreed you can wear clear or nude lip gloss.”

“Nude lip gloss? What’s that? Isn’t that just clear? Nude means naked, right?” she asked irritably while he clicked around and brought up a few examples.

“They’re not just clear,” he explained. “Do you want to try some of these? I’m willing to get you two.”

“Okay,” she said hesitantly. “But I have a question. If I save my allowance and wanna buy that makeup kit, can I?”

He sighed heavily. “Yes, but you need to remember you cannot wear it out of the house. It’s just for play, and you’ll need to wash it off before you go anywhere.”

“Okay. Well, I wanna get it. Hold on a sec.” She climbed off the bed and ran out of his room, returning quickly with money in her hand. “Here. Here’s twenty dollars. The price is almost twenty, right? Eighteen ninety-nine?”

He took the money from her and counted it. “You’ve been saving, huh?” he commented. “And yes, twenty will cover the kit and tax. I’ll order it for you, as long as you agree to the rules.”

She grinned and nodded, and he added it back to the cart. “Do you want these glosses too?” he asked, and she picked two for him to add. “All right, almost done...always pads, tampax--” he adjusted the size from regular to slim--”okay, that’s good...what’s this, Summer’s Eve? Honey, you don’t need that.”

“I do,” she said, “it’s to make sure you’re clean...you know, if you have a vagina.”

“I know what it’s for, honey. But doctors actually say this stuff is bad for you. You shouldn’t be putting anything inside of you to clean yourself. Your body does that on its own.”

She looked at him doubtfully. “No offense, Papi, but you’re a man...and you’re gay, so you don’t really know, do you?”

“I may not know about some things,” he said steadily, “but I do know about this. You’re welcome to ask your doctor when we go again, if you’d like. Also, just so we’re clear, I’m bisexual, not gay, so your argument that I don’t really know doesn’t fly.”

“They say if you don’t use it, then your vagina is going to smell bad. I don’t want to stink, Papi,” she told him honestly, and he stroked her hair.

“Nothing about you stinks, sweetie. If you notice anything on your body starts to have a different odor, then you need to tell me or Daddy so we can get you to the doctor, because that might mean you have an infection of some kind. But otherwise, you’re fine. Okay?”

She still looked skeptical but nodded all the same, and he deleted it from the cart. “Okay, I think we’re ready now...oh wait, did you want to try to find some different underwear?”

“Yeah, I guess. Can I add it to the cart when I find it?”

“Yep. That’s fine. But remember, I want your tablet off for the evening by nine...that’s in fifteen minutes.”

She nodded and climbed off the bed. “And you’ll order it tonight before you go to sleep?”

“I will,” he assured her as she kissed his cheek and headed for the door.

“Hey Papi,” she said, lingering in the doorway, “Is Daddy coming home soon? I really hate separations.”

He smiled at her. “Hopefully soon, honey. We’re talking some things through. I think we all hate this separation.”

“I miss my daddy when I’m here, and I miss you when I’m there...plus I think Jesse thinks Daddy will marry her mom if you guys don’t get back together. I love Jesse but I don’t want sisters right now.”

He chuckled slightly. “Well, I don’t think you need to worry. To the best of my knowledge, Daddy will be back home soon.”

“Okay.” He watched her head down the hall, and wondered when the baby he used to wear on his chest became the girl buying makeup kits and worrying about how she smelled.

***

Renata had been a therapist for seventeen years. Not nearly as long as most would guess, considering her age, but she was late to the academic game. She’d been a hippie, a lounge singer, and at one point, she was a Sunday school teacher for young children in a nondenominational sweet little church in Oklahoma. She’d lived a life, and all of it had made her a better therapist.

She read her clients well. For example, she had known within ten minutes of Rafael Barba’s first entry into her office nearly six years ago that he was a man looking for love. Not in the traditional sense of a romantic partner, but rather looking for the secret to loving himself. He was a successful, well-dressed, good looking man who was trying to find the confidence to believe that he deserved the life he now had. Over the years, they had worked on that issue both in individual and couples therapy. And Rafael was better. But until he was able to acknowledge exactly how deep his pain went, he would never be able to fully heal it. 

When he had left her office on Monday, he’d managed to calm down significantly. She had checked in with him to be sure he wasn’t having any suicidal ideations, and he had sworn he wasn’t. She’d believed him. In fact, if she had to guess, he had probably gone straight to his husband’s apartment. Because despite their separation, it was clear that the two men shared a deep, committed love for one another. And if anything, they were still a little too enmeshed, in her opinion. They could function separately just fine if they had to, but they really didn’t want to. The ageplay games they had found themselves playing were an example of how they relied too much on one another. She had given Rafael all of those articles after their first meeting, and their couples homework had included sharing them with Sonny. She didn’t know yet if they’d figured out that they’d accidentally morphed into doing play therapy, but it was something she intended to address today.

She’d greeted them and they followed her back to her office, both easily seating themselves on the loveseat, close to one another, thighs touching, holding hands. If she was still wondering if Rafael had ended up at Sonny’s after his appointment on Monday, she wasn’t wondering any more. It was fairly clear through body language that the two were back together.

“So,” she began, “catch me up since our last meeting. Where is your relationship?”

The two men looked at each other, soft smiles on their faces. “We’re ready for Sonny to move back home,” Rafael replied, squeezing his husband’s hand. “But we know we need to hammer out some basic guidelines addressing at least the ageplay stuff before he does. I also want us to agree about what is and isn’t okay to tell other people about...if that makes sense...do you have anything, Sonny?”

Sonny cleared his throat. “I just want to have a minute to talk about what I need in our marriage...just so it’s verbalized.”

“All right,” Renata nodded at both of them. “Let’s start with what you both feel you need in this relationship. Sonny, why don’t you start?”

“Okay...overall, I think I’m getting the things I need. The only thing that I’d really like us to be more aware of, moving forward, is sex. I feel like over the last six months or so, we’ve been having less sex overall, and where you feel comfort and love when we do ageplay, I feel those things when we have sex.” He was looking at Rafael, squeezing his hand, and Rafael nodded.

“Sonny, how often, ideally, would you see you all having sex? And where are you at with that right now?” Renata was jotting notes on her pad.

“Ideally, a couple times a week. I mean, obviously I’d love to do it every day! But realistically, a couple times a week. We used to squeeze in a couple of quickies during the week and then take more time on date night...and I’d like to do that again, if Rafael is up to it.” He suddenly grinned. “No pun intended.”

“Funny.” Rafael rolled his eyes. “I think we can do that. We can aim for it, anyway.” His voice lowered. “I love making love with you, and I’m sorry I let it become less of a priority.”

“How about you, Rafael?” Renata asked. “Is there anything you need that you want to talk about?”

“Yeah...just, um, privacy, I guess. I get that you told Liv very little, and that you were concerned. But if you have concerns about me, maybe bring them to me first? Or give me a heads up that you’re gonna talk to somebody else about something so personal? I think I would have even been less upset if you had called Renata and told her about it, because her job is to sort stuff like that out. Telling my friend really private stuff about our marriage without cluing me in...Sonny, I know that’s something that will take us awhile to rebuild. I’m sorry, but we both know what huge trust issues I have--”

“You’re right,” Sonny admitted. “I should never have spoken to Liv about this. But I think my bigger concern...something we need to work on...is figuring out how to approach you when I’m really worried about you. I had those worries for months before I said anything to Liv. And every time I was going to say something to you, I just...I chickened out. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t want to take away something you clearly needed. I was stuck, and I don’t want to end up in that situation again.”

“What did you think would happen if you had confronted Rafael about his strong interest in ageplay, Sonny?” Renata asked, and Sonny looked down.

“I was afraid he’d feel embarrassed, humiliated, and I didn’t want that. I figured he’d hide. He’d stop doing it at all, and I’d be shut out of this part of him.”

Renata clicked her pen cap again. “That’s interesting. Did you both take a look at the play therapy articles I sent with Rafael?”

“I did,” Rafael said, “but I didn’t really get the point. That was therapists working with adults who roleplayed that they were kids.”

“It was kind of like us, though,” Sonny said slowly. “Like, I was playing the therapist’s role and Rafael was the client. Except I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”

“Bravo, Sonny!” Renata smiled. “You figured it out. You two stumbled upon some play therapy techniques and have been using them. But keep in mind that those techniques are only useful as techniques if you DO know what you’re doing...so if you’re using them at home, they’re only play. My point, though, is that what you’ve been doing is neither all that weird or unusual.” She sat back, clicking her pen again. “What are your thoughts about ageplay now? Is that something you want to continue to do at home?”

“Yes, it is,” Sonny said, then looked at Rafael. “I enjoy taking care of him on occasion, as a little boy. I enjoy those games of pretend, and being a caring adult in his little boy world--”

“You know,” Rafael interrupted, pinching Sonny’s thigh, “occasionally I could pretend to be the adult and you be the kid...how about that?” He winked at Sonny, who grinned and shook his head.

“I think as long as Rafael continues to work in therapy on his issues with his father, then it’s safe to continue with the ageplay at home. What are you all going to do if it starts to feel overwhelming to one of you again?” Renata looked from one to the other.

“I think I need to speak up,” Sonny said. “I need to let him know I’m concerned, and if I feel like it’s a big issue, maybe even giving you a call as well as a heads up.” He turned to Rafael. “I’d let you know I was going to call, unless I felt for some reason it was in your best interest not to tell you.”

Rafael nodded. “I can live with that...and I can agree to do the same thing.”

“Can I make an observation here?” Renata was peering from one man to the other and swinging her foot back and forth. “You two seem very optimistic and anxious to just get back home to one another and I’m wondering how it’s going to go over when you do get home and have your first argument back together.”

“Then we’ll solve it,” Rafael said confidently, chin up, much as his daughter had hers the night before. “Sonny belongs at home. We’re a family and we should be together. We’ve been apart for three months, and I don’t even want to wait another three hours. I love him and want him back where he belongs.”

Sonny was watching Rafael, eyes shining. “Not another day,” he said firmly, nodding at Rafael. “We’ve talked about all of this. We’ll continue to come to therapy and work it out for as long as we need to. But the best way for us to heal right now is together.”

“That may be true,” Renata agreed, “but you both tend to function a little too closely, especially in times of stress. You tend to be a bit enmeshed, which can feel really good when things are good or when you’re together against the world, but can be particularly painful if there are problems between the two of you. That may be something that you choose to look at in the future as well...if you want to continue to be this close or if you want a healthy amount of breathing room between the two of you.” She hesitated for a second. “It’s also not the best model for your daughter. It’s normal to be enmeshed when they’re little, but at her age, if that’s her model for relationships, it can make her feel like she’s ceased to exist if the people she’s in relationship with aren’t there. She can lose herself, and I know neither of you want that. If she’s ever expressed fear at being abandoned or alone, especially in moments like this separation, that could be part of the reason why.”

Rafael and Sonny were silent for a moment, all eyes wide and focused on Renata as though she had just presented a great truth. “Oh my God,” Rafael murmured, “it’s because of us?”

“Not completely--from what you’ve described, she’s sensitive, a deep thinker, fairly emotional, and she’s adopted, but having parents who tend to be too enmeshed doesn’t help her see that the world isn’t going to end if you can’t all be together.”

“So what do we do?” Sonny asked. “Just keep working on it?”

Renata nodded. “Yeah. That’s the best way to deal with it. Learn something new.” She checked her watch. “Well, it’s time to cover husband homework for next week. Are we ready?”

When they left ten minutes later, it was hand in hand. They’d mentioned going to dinner afterward; apparently their daughter was with the babysitter. Renata admired how they were so committed to make time for each other. She wished all her clients were like that, compassionate for their partners and having respect for their relationships. She took a few minutes to pick up her office, then turned off the light and locked the door. Other therapists in the practice were still open, and the cleaning crew would come in after business hours. As she said goodbye to the secretary, she headed out into the chilly evening for the short ride home to her husband and the nice dinner he was makinig, her cat, a glass of chardonnay and a nice joint to be shared. 

She hoped that Sonny and Rafael were going to have as good of a night as she was.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He stood slowly, making his way out of Marlene’s bedroom and down the hallway to the master. Rafael had turned the light off and was under the covers. Sonny leaned against the doorway, watching Rafael lying silently. He had missed this, he realized; the ability to just stand amidst the people he loved more than the world was a gift that meant everything. He felt his eyes filling with tears, and he wiped them with the back of his hand, then crossed the room and climbed into bed with his husband. He wrapped one arm around Rafael, spooning him as was their usual.
> 
> “She asleep?” Rafael murmured sleepily.
> 
> Sonny kissed the back of his head. “Yeah.”
> 
> Rafael’s breath quickly fell into a slow, easy rhythm, and Sonny listened to it, letting it lull him into the best sleep he’d had in months.  
> *****
> 
> Rafael and Sonny have dinner and decide when Sonny should move back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thanks for reading!
> 
> I've been having some trouble focusing the last few days, and it's obviously slowed down my writing. There should be one more chapter to wrap this piece up. I am planning on spending the majority of December working on a Barisi Dads AU Advent Calendar of stories--one mini fic each day revolving around a particular word for the season. Each day will have a different seasonal word, and the fics should be short and sweet. If you have a particular word you'd like a ficlet written about, or a particular prompt you'd like to suggest, feel free! Words that may come up include things like snow, lights, hope, love, faith, mistletoe, etc.
> 
> As for this fic--Sonny spends a little time really coming to grips with what he almost lost, and what part of this was his fault. My job as an author is to write the story, and the reader's job is to read and interpret it. It's always so interesting to me how people interpret what's been written, and how different those interpretations can be. I love hearing your thoughts on things.
> 
> I wrote and rewrote the start of this chapter several times, but ended up settling with this, and I think it was the right decision. This chapter also reminds me that Marlene is still a child, despite how she can sometimes be bratty or too articulate for her age. She wants to wear makeup and bras and act like a tween soon-to-be-teen, but all she wants is her daddy back home so her heart feels whole. Yeah, I love this fictional kid.
> 
> Obviously, kudos and comments are super appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

Sonny tipped back his beer, then smiled at his husband. “So when should we plan on me moving back in?” he asked, then picked up his burger.

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “You want a day and time?” He took his time nibbling on a fry, a sly smile on his face. “Well, how horny are you tonight?”

Sonny almost choked on his burger. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Rafael shrugged. “I just figured if you wanted to get laid tonight, we can just go ahead and say you’ve moved back home tonight so we both can get lucky.”

Sonny snickered. “Do you know how sad it is that we’re concocting excuses for our ten-year old so we can sleep together? It’s a little pathetic.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Rafael dipped a fry, then took a bite. “Sally’s free to stay until ten, but then she’s got to go. So if you don’t move home tonight, we probably need to go our separate ways after dinner.”

“I still have a suit or two at home, right? If you lend me a razor in the morning, I should be good to go...and I’d love to move back tonight.” Sonny smiled at him, a dreamy look, and Rafael felt warmth fill his chest.

Nobody had ever looked at him like Sonny did. Sonny had a way of looking at him as though he were the most amazing man in the world. All of his vulnerabilities, Sonny saw them as beautiful, complex parts of him. Sonny loved the parts of him that he had trouble acknowledging, and he took care of the parts Rafael forgot to care for. 

“I think I can lend you a razor, Soleado,” he chuckled, reaching across the table and stroking Sonny’s wrist. “I was a fool to send you away to begin with.”

Sonny’s smile faded, and he put his burger back on the plate. “Rafael, I understand why you felt the need for a separation...I really do. I understand that I really violated your trust. But I’m just hopeful that in the future...that we can talk things out instead of having to split like this. It truly broke my heart, honey. Living apart these last three or four months has been…” He shook his head. “Well, you know. You’ve felt it too. It’s been torturous.”

Rafael pulled his hand back and lay it in his lap. “It has been torturous. I’ve hated every minute of it, Sonny. I hope you know I would have never, ever asked for a separation if I had thought we could work it out together. My fear was, if we stayed together much longer without a break, it would get worse and we’d end up ruining our marriage for good.” He finished the swallow of scotch he had left. “I also hope we never have to do this again. I didn’t do any of it lightly. And I hope you truly understand that, because I’m feeling right now like maybe you don’t.”

Now Sonny’s hand reached across the table, tugging on Rafael’s sleeve. “You’d be wrong, Rafi. I absolutely understand. And as painful as it’s been, we both had to get to the place we are now in order for this to work again. I get that. But more than anything, I want you to know that I love you. If I’ve come to understand one thing more in the last few months than anything else, it’s how very much I love our family, and how hard I’m willing to work to keep us together. Enmeshment or not, you and Marley mean everything to me. You  _ are  _ everything. You’re my family.”

Rafael stared at him for a long minute, unmoving. Finally he pointed to Sonny’s burger. “Are you planning to eat that whole thing?”

Sonny shrugged. “Maybe. Why, you want some?”

“I want you. Whenever you’re ready, wherever you’ll have me.”

Sonny lay his burger back on his plate. “I’m done,” he told Rafael as he flagged the server.

***

_ This is the literal definition of sucking face, _ Sonny thought as Rafael’s tongue did another dance with his. They were in the elevator alone, kissing furiously, like two teenagers afraid of getting caught. The door began to open and for a second, Sonny thought his lips were going to stay with Rafael when he pulled away. 

They exited and made it to the apartment door, and Rafael moved against him again. Sonny could feel the heat of his husband’s body and his erection pressing hard against his thigh. Rafael tried to kiss him again, but he pulled back, slipping his hands between them to give some space. “Let’s go inside,” he suggested quietly. “It should be Marley's bedtime, and as soon as we pay the sitter, we’ll be ready to do this--”

“She’s been paid,” Rafael murmured, leaning forward to nibble Sonny’s neck.

“Mmm,” Sonny replied, feeling a grin take over his face. “Keys, baby? I wanna get to that cock as soon as possible.”

Rafael’s teeth nipped his neck in response, then he pulled the keys out of his pocket. “Don’t let me stop you.”

Sonny grabbed the keys and unlocked the door, swinging it open quietly. “Well, it’s quiet in here,” Sonny commented as Rafael arranged his jacket over his arm to cover the clearly noticeable bulge in the front of his jeans. “Wonder where they are?”

“Daddy?” they heard from the back, and the patter of running feet came from the hallway, accompanied by the sound of larger feet walking. Marley appeared in a full face of makeup, including blue eyeshadow and bright red lipstick. “It IS you!” she exclaimed happily. “I knew it was you! Are you here to stay?”

He easily scooped her up into his arms, just like he did when she was little, and she giggled delightedly. “I certainly AM here to stay! But I’m not sure I know who you are...I’m looking for my sweet ten year old daughter, have you seen her? Yay high, beautiful olive skin, no makeup?”

“Daddy…” She rolled her eyes, then wrapped her arms around him again. “I’m so glad you’re here! I can’t believe you’re home finally! Bye, Sally!” she called, waving to the young woman making her way out of the door Rafael was holding. “I like Sally. She’s really nice, Daddy. She only comes on Thursday when Papi has to go to therapy with you.”

“I see your makeup kit came in,” Rafael said, wiping a smudge of mascara off her cheek. “Was everything in the box that was supposed to be there? It wasn’t supposed to be here until tomorrow.”

“Only the makeup and the Secret came today. I think everything else comes tomorrow,” she told him.

Sonny turned to look at her. “Let’s go wash your face and I’ll put you in bed tonight, if that’s okay. I know Papi has some things he needs to attend to...don’t you, Rafi?” He shot a glance toward Rafael’s jacket, still covering his crotch, and Rafael felt his cheeks go red.

“Yes, actually. That would be correct. Let me get a kiss from this girl before she goes to bed…” He leaned over and kissed Marley’s cheek, and she hugged him as Sonny balanced her in his arms. “I love you, princesa. Sweet dreams, sweetheart.”

“I love you too, Papi. And they’re gonna be SO sweet now that Daddy’s home! Probably dreams about candy! And cake and ice cream! The sweetest dreams ever, Daddy!” Rafael could see her wrapping her arms tightly around Sonny’s neck, hear the joy in her voice, and he felt completely blessed.

***

They were lying in bed, naked and sweaty, kissing with hands wandering and legs entangled.

Rafael didn’t know why, but he wasn’t done touching Sonny. He needed more. They’d just made love, but his hands were still hungry for Sonny’s skin, his body, the feel of him. He ran open hands up and down Sonny’s chest, occasionally tugging at sparse blond chest hair, feeling the outline of ribs and muscle. His thumb slid gently up to a nipple and rubbed over the nub. Sonny’s mouth pulled back from his then, gasping for air, then laughing softly. “You want more, don’t you?” he asked. “You’re hungry for it.”

“Mmhmm.” Rafael leaned forward and took the nub in his mouth, sucking and tonguing it gently. “Want more of you. Hungry for you...all the time, Soleado. You taste like heaven.” He pressed his lips against Sonny’s sternum, then kissed his way over to Sonny’s other nipple and repeated the process. Sonny sighed in pleasure, and ran his hand over Rafael’s flank, squeezing it.

“You know this isn’t gonna go anywhere, right?” Sonny murmured. “Neither of us is gonna be able to go a second round that fast...no matter how much we want to…”

Rafael nipped Sonny’s bottom lip before giving him a sexy smile. “I don’t care...I just love touching you. Unless you want me to stop doing that...I’ll stop if you want me to.”

“Hell no,” Sonny replied, squeezing Rafael’s ass firmly. “It would be just fine with me if you never stopped. I love your hands all over me, Rafael.”

Rafael hummed, then moved his lips to Sonny’s jaw, nipping a slow path up his jawline to his ear. He tasted uniquely of Sonny, a taste Rafael had missed tremendously, and he took his time relishing in it. Sonny was squeezing and stroking his ass cheeks, and Rafael shifted slightly to fill Sonny’s hands even more. The feel of Sonny’s hands on his flesh was divine, and after several minutes, he was surprised to realize his cock was stiffening again. 

“I’m so glad you’re home,” Rafael murmured. “I’ve missed you so much, Sonny. Not just this...although this is fantastic...but even just talking with you, laughing with you, being held by you...I don’t ever want this to end.”

Sonny kissed his nose. “I feel the same, baby...I just felt so empty without you--” 

A loud knock on their door silenced them both. “Daddy? Daddy, are you still here?”

Sonny kissed Rafael once more, then slid out of bed. “I’m here, honey,” he called, pulling on his boxers and a tee-shirt. “What do you need?”

“Can I come in?” she called as he opened the door. Seeing him, she wrapped her arms around him again. “I love you, Daddy. Can I sleep with you and Papi tonight?”

“Honey, it’s two in the morning and you have school tomorrow--”

“Please? Just tonight?” She peered past him. “Hey Papi, can I sleep with you guys?”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other. “In a few minutes,” Rafael finally said. “Go wait in your room and we’ll call you when we’re ready.”

She made a face. “Ready how? Can’t I just climb in now?” She started to move toward the bed, but Sonny caught her.

“Not yet. Papi and I are...having a conversation. We’ll call you when we’re done,” he told her, knowing with every word she wasn’t buying it.

“Are you naked, Papi?” she asked, raising one eyebrow. “Are you guys doing sex or something? Is that why I gotta leave?”

Rafael sat up, keeping the blankets over his lap, and raised one eyebrow back. “You gotta leave because Daddy says so. And if you want to sleep in here, then you’ll listen right now. Otherwise, you can go back to your room and stay there.”

Marley huffed audibly, then turned around. “Okay, fiiiine...call me when you’re ready!” Sonny shut the door behind her, then turned around to grin at Rafael.

“She should be thanking both of us,” he said. “She almost launched herself into the wet spot.”

Rafael snorted. “I guess we should change the sheets, and I should put something on…” Sonny tossed him a clean pair of boxers, and then they set about changing the sheets. Rafael started to snicker--being up at two in the morning to change sheets so that their daughter could snuggle in, he was sure this was exactly what Sonny had NOT missed. “Happy to be home yet?” he asked, tucking the sheet under the corner of the mattress.

Sonny looked up, and his expression was almost wistful. “I’d do this a million times over and never complain if it means I stay here with you and Marley.”

“Stop,” Rafael told him. “You’re going to make me cry.”

Sonny smiled softly as he finished tucking in the sheet. “Let me go get the dolly. Be right back.” He headed down the hallway to her room. “Okay, dolly, we’re ready--”

She was asleep on her bed, Pru next to her. He tiptoed over and pulled her blanket up, tucking her in. He leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, sweetheart…”

“Please don’t ever have to leave again. It nearly broke my heart forever.” She reached over and squeezed his hand. “I love you so much, Daddy.”

He squeezed her hand back. “I’ll do my best, sweetheart. I love you too, forever and always.”

She smiled and closed her eyes, immediately asleep, and he sat in the chair next to her bed for a few minutes, thinking about what he could have lost. It was tempting to try to blame Rafael for overreacting, for asking for a separation when they could have possibly talked this out in one place. But he knew who he married. He knew all of Rafael’s traits and vulnerabilities, and he knew the things that would inflict the most pain and destroy the most trust. And he’d clumsily stumbled forward anyway. This one was on him.

He stood slowly, making his way out of Marlene’s bedroom and down the hallway to the master. Rafael had turned the light off and was under the covers. Sonny leaned against the doorway, watching Rafael lying silently. He had missed this, he realized; the ability to just stand amidst the people he loved more than the world was a gift that meant everything. He felt his eyes filling with tears, and he wiped them with the back of his hand, then crossed the room and climbed into bed with his husband. He wrapped one arm around Rafael, spooning him as was their usual.

“She asleep?” Rafael murmured sleepily.

Sonny kissed the back of his head. “Yeah.”

Rafael’s breath quickly fell into a slow, easy rhythm, and Sonny listened to it, letting it lull him into the best sleep he’d had in months.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marley's holiday concert provides the opportunity for more than one person to build loving relationships. It also provides the opportunity for more than one person to express their concern about the reconciliation.
> 
> For the record, I do not own "(Baby) Please Come Home" or Law and Order: SVU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> This is the last chapter here...but clearly the story will go on! (dramatic music...)
> 
> There's potential for a few interesting segueways here with both the Rollins girls and with Sonny's family. You'll have to read the chapter to know more (wink, wink). We'll see where that goes.
> 
> Beginning December first, with any luck I'll be writing an advent series for Barisi Dads AU. This will be a series of ficlets (mini-fics) over the next 24 days. Each ficlet will be written around a holiday word prompt. If you have any holiday words you'd like to see as prompts, feel free to let me know! The first word is going to be hope. :-)
> 
> I'm always so humbled to know that anyone spends any time reading what I write. You guys are the best. Kudos and comments are always super welcomed and appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

“Ow, Papi! Don’t pull so hard!” Marley reached up, trying to protect her hair. Rafael had it tight, trying to get the braid to cooperate.

He huffed. “Look, Marley, I’m doing the best I can. You’re the one who wanted these braids...I suggested something more practical.”

“I like the french braids! You always make them pretty, and I gotta look pretty...everybody’s gonna be lookin’ at me when I sing.” Her expression morphed into a frown again. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

He finished the braid quickly, then turned her around. “Escucha, carino (Listen, sweetheart),” he said calmly, leaning down to her level. “You’re going to do just fine. You have a beautiful voice, and you know your song. Look right at me or Daddy, or anyone else you choose, and pretend it’s just us, and we’re being super silly. Pretend Daddy’s got his boxers on his head and I just walked in and saw it.” 

She rolled her eyes, but a smile crept across her face. “Do I really sound okay, Papi? What if other people think I sound awful? I keep havin’ dreams where I open my mouth and nothing comes out...I can’t sing.”

“Those are just dreams, sweetie. And Daddy and I are going to cheer as loud as we can, no matter what happens.”

“Even if I forget all the words? Especially the new ones?”

“Yep. We’ll be jumping up and clapping and screaming for you,” he told her.

She tilted her head slightly. “What if I sing bad words out of tune and then my pants fall down and I moon the whole world?”

“Then Daddy and I will be cheering our heads off and yelling, ‘That’s our girl!’ so everybody knows you’re ours!” he teased, tickling her side, and she burst into giggles.

“Can I put my makeup on now?” she asked. “Just what we agreed--mascara and lip gloss...NUDE lip gloss!”

He nodded. “You may. And then finish getting dressed. We need to leave in about twenty minutes, okay?”

Marley nodded and turned back to the mirror, and Rafael left the bathroom, once again in awe of his growing girl.

***

“You sure Fin and Kat have it under control?” Amanda asked Liv as they filed into the auditorium. “Jesse, stay close to us!” Jesse looked back and nodded, and Billie tugged Amanda’s hand.

“Can I catch up with them? Please?” Billie begged.

“Fine.” Amanda let go of her hand and watched the seven-year old sprint to catch up with the others.

“I’m sure they’re fine at the precinct,” Liv answered her. “If they need us, they have our numbers. Do you see Rafa or Sonny yet?”

The auditorium held a few hundred people, and was filling very quickly. It was the holiday concert for the upper elementary grades, and it seemed everyone and their grandparents had shown up. “There’s Uncle Rafi!” Jesse called to her mom, pointing across the room at a row of saved seats. Sure enough, Rafael waved to them, and they all headed toward him.

“Hello!” he greeted as they all filed in, and Billie immediately grabbed him by the arms and climbed into his lap. 

“Hey Wafi, I miss you. Can we spend the night wif you and Sonny and your girl Marley soon? We have fun wif you.”

He smiled at the little girl. “Of course you can. We’ll have to talk with your mom to see when is a good time for you girls to come over.”

“Jesse says Sonny’s gonna marry my momma one day but I say no, Wafi’s his husband,” she said, playing with his tie. She leaned closer to his ear and whispered, “I’m pretendin’ you’re my daddy, okay? Cause you’re a good daddy. Just tonight, though. Don’t tell Al...or ‘Manda!”

He looked at her and made a face. “You are a nut, Billie Rollins, you know that?”

She nodded and giggled. “You’re so funny, Daddy.”

He shook his head, turning to Amanda, who was watching them. She shrugged. “I don’t even know, Rafa. Don’t even ask.” Billie giggled again.

Rafael cleared his throat. “Everyone remember my mom Lucia and Sonny’s mom Deb?” He pointed out the two grandmothers sitting in the row in front of them. The women turned around and waved, then turned back to their conversation.

“Where’s Sonny?” Amanda asked, taking the jacket that Billie was handing her. Noah and Jesse were deep in conversation in their seats between Amanda and Olivia, and Rafael laid his jacket on the end seat, saving it for Sonny.

“He was running late...I was kind of hoping he was coming with you,” Rafael answered. “Hopefully he’ll be here soon.

“Hey Uncle Rafi.” Jesse scooted forward in her seat so she could see him better. “Is Uncle Sonny living with you again?”

“Jesse!” Amanda swatted her daughter’s arm. “That’s none of your business!”

“It’s okay,” Rafael said, then directing his answer to Jesse, he said, “He is. Our whole family is very glad he’s home.”

Billie leaned into his ear again. “I told her you’re not gettin’ divorced.”

“Oh.” Jesse looked down at her hands, then scooted back in her seat again.

Amanda leaned over toward her daughter. “Are you okay?” Jesse nodded at her and started to bite her nail.

The lights began to dim, and everyone grew quiet as the stage lit up and the principal, Kate, took the microphone to welcome them.

“Sorry I’m late,” Sonny whispered as he slipped in next to Rafael, then grinned at Billie, who giggled back.

Rafael leaned toward Sonny. “You’re just in time,” he whispered, then nodded toward the stage as the first act, a fourth-grade male soloist, took the stage.

The acts were short and sweet, and thank goodness not too many in number. Marley was the last soloist to perform before the final song by the entire chorus, and Rafael had to admit he was impressed with the quality of performances. Considering the oldest singers were around eleven years old, he hadn’t expected much. In the last couple of years, Marley’s teachers had spoken very highly of her musical talent, enough that he and Sonny had agreed to put her in chorus and piano lessons. It had become clear very quickly that the little girl had a gift for both, but it was her piano skills that really impressed Rafael. Marlene had an excellent ear and that helped her in both areas. Her piano recital was next week, and both he and Sonny were really looking forward to that. She was playing a beautiful version of Silent Night, and seemed to get better at it every day. Rafael often felt a knot in his throat, listening to her play, because the music touched him so deeply.

It was finally her turn, and he saw her hesitate just slightly by the curtain before walking across the stage to the microphone. “It’s Marley! It’s Marley!” Jesse whispered loudly to everyone, and Lucia and Deb turned around and grinned at her excitement.

Her french braid pigtails had held up well, Rafael was proud to see. She had in her small diamond-stud earrings they had given her for her eighth birthday, only worn on special occasions, and he had to admit that the nude lipgloss and mascara wasn’t even noticeable. She just looked like the pretty little girl that she was. Her dress was black velvet with short sleeves, as was required for the chorus, and she wore the required white tights and black ballet style shoes. Rafael couldn’t help but notice how very small she looked up there. 

He saw his daughter’s eyes search the crowd, then settle on them, and a nervous smile took over her face. He felt Sonny grab his hand and squeeze it, and he turned to his husband and returned his happy grin. This song was going to be a surprise for Sonny; Marley and her teacher had just recently changed the lyrics, and Rafael knew Sonny hadn’t heard it yet.

The music started; a combination of an adult pianist and a recording to round out the harmony of “Baby Please Come Home”. And then her sweet little voice joined in:

_ The snow’s comin’ down _

_ I’m watchin’ it fall _

_ Lots of people around _

_ Daddy, please come home _

_ The church bells in town _

_ Are ringing in song _

_ All the happy sounds _

_ Daddy, please come home _

_ They’re singin’ deck the halls _

_ But it’s not like Christmas at all _

_ ‘Cause I remember when you were here _

_ And all the fun we had last year! _

Billie was staring at Rafael’s face. “Are you sad?” she asked, wiping a tear from his cheek. He smiled at her and shook his head, and she relaxed and turned back to the performance.

Sonny’s hands were in church pose over his mouth, frozen in a smile, tears freely falling from his eyes as he watched his sweet daughter singing her heart out...to him.

_ Pretty lights on the tree _

_ I’m watchin’ them shine _

_ Now you’re here with me _

_ Daddy you came home! _

_ Now we’re singin’ deck the halls _

_ And it’s just like Christmas and all _

_ Oh I remember when you were here _

_ I know the fun we’ll have this year! _

Sonny laughed, choking back his tears at the change in lyrics. That was his girl. His sweet Marley Mae, and he loved her more than words.

_ Oh, there is a way _

_ For only happy tears _

_ On this Christmas Day _

_ Please… _

_ Please.... _

_ Daddy, you came home! _

_ Momma, you came home! _

_ My sister, she came home! _

_ My brother, he came home! _

_ Home… _

_ Families come home… _

The audience clapped and cheered, and Marley burst into a huge grin nearly as big as the bow she took. The clapping and cheering continued, and she bowed once more before running off the stage in the same direction from where she had appeared.

***

“Now THAT’S how you sing a Christmas song!” Lucia announced, hugging Marley tightly to her in the hallway. They were gathered together before heading home.

“You were really good, Marley,” Noah told her, nodding. “I wouldn’t want to get up there and sing with all those people watchin’ me.”

“That’s cause you’re a chicken,” Jesse told him. “Marley Mae, you sounded so good! Not Ariana good, but almost! Maybe Selena good.” She leaned in closer. “And your lip gloss is awesome, chickie! Perfecta!”

“Really?” Marley’s finger absently went to her lip. “I figured it was all gone by now.”

“Nope,” Jesse told her. “It’s good.”

“You looked beautiful tonight,” Amanda said, reaching out to hug Marley. “Looked beautiful, sounded even better. A voice like an angel, this one.” She squeezed Marlene tightly.

“And I would second that,” Olivia added, tugging on one of the girl’s braids. “You sounded beautiful tonight, Marley. I’m like Noah, I would be too self-conscious to try. But you, just so wonderful, sweetie.”

“Thank you,” she smiled shyly, then turned to Rafael. “Where’s Daddy? I thought I saw him here.”

“He is, honey. He’s with Grammy. They should be here any time.” Rafael scanned the crowd for his husband, then hugged his daughter.

Sonny saw Rafael looking around, then nod at him. “Ma, I need to get back to everyone. I hear your concerns, but this isn’t the time or place for us to discuss them.”

“Dominick, every couple fights, and some couples even separate and get back together. But to put all the blame for this on you--I’m just telling you, honey, that’s not healthy. No matter who says it is.”

Sonny shook his head. “You’re my ma. You’re supposed to take my side. Ma, you know Rafael loves me more than life. Look, I’m not going to argue this with you right now. I need to get back to my daughter and my husband. This night is about her, not about me or Rafael or our marriage. Please.” He squeezed her upper arms and nodded at her firmly, then let go and made his way through the crowd to Marlene.

“There’s my girl!” he exclaimed, picking her up and swinging her. “Dolly, you were absolutely amazing! I am so proud of you!” She giggled and wrapped her arms around him when he put her down.

“Well, we have to head out,” Liv said then, patting Marley on the back. “Marley, you were wonderful. Thank you so much for having us!”

“Thanks for coming,” Rafael told her, smiling at her and Noah.

“I’m going to follow you out, I think,” Lucia said. “Is Deb still here or did she leave already?”

“She left,” Sonny told Lucia, then turned to Marlene. “She said to tell you she’d see you tomorrow night on date night.”

Marley nodded and hugged Lucia goodbye, then said, “Where’s Jesse?”

“Good question,” Amanda responded, looking around suddenly. “Where IS Jesse? She was just here a minute ago…”

“Do you think we should split up and look?” Sonny asked. “Or wait here?”

Amanda sighed. “She probably just ran to the bathroom and I didn’t hear her...I’ll go that way if you guys wait here...where’s Rafael?”

“He went that way.” Marley pointed down the hallway away from the restrooms.

“Okay. I’ll check the bathrooms, you guys stay here. And hopefully if Rafael sees her, he’ll bring her back.” Amanda looked at Billie, who was spinning in circles next to them. “Why can’t you people be easy?”

***

Jesse was sitting on a step outside, sniffling, and Rafael slowly sat down next to her. His knees cracked going down, and he winced. He couldn’t move as quickly as he used to.

“Hey, Jess. What are you doing out here?” He crossed his arms over his knees.

She sniffled again, then tilted her head toward him. “Nothin. Just being alone.”

“Hmm. You look kind of sad to me...and upset. Want to talk about it?”

“No.” She buried her head in her arms again. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Maybe not.” He watched her sitting quietly. “But you never know.”

“You get Sonny, so you won’t understand.” 

And with those words, he suddenly did understand. Everything. “I bet it feels pretty unfair, to love your Uncle Sonny so much, and yet he can’t be your dad. Not to mention unfair that Marlene gets two dads.” She sniffled, but didn’t say anything. “You know, sometimes Marley feels that way about not having a mom. Like the world is pretty unfair.”

“My real dad sent me a card for Christmas. Plus a hundred dollars to buy whatever I want.” She was silent for a minute. “You know why he gave me a hundred dollars? ‘Cause he doesn’t know what I even want. ‘Cause he never even talks to me.” She blew air out of her mouth. “I hate him.” She turned to face him. “Marley gets two dads who both love her so much they come to hear her sing. Even if I could sing that good, my dad would never come. He wouldn’t care because he doesn’t care about me.” Her expression crumbled. “Uncle Rafi, what’s so bad about me that nobody wants to be my dad?”

“Oh honey.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s not you, Jess. I promise it’s not you, honey. It’s life--” Amanda suddenly rounded the corner.

“Thank God! Jess, I’ve been looking everywhere! Everyone’s ready to go.” She held out her arms. “You want me to take her?”

“No, not this time,” Rafael said, pulling himself slowly to his feet. Once he was steady, Jesse buried her head further in his chest, and the three of them made their way along the sidewalk to the front of the school.

***

Amanda pulled her hair into a quick ponytail and opened the door. “Hey. You guys sure about this?” she asked Rafael. “It’s not your problem that my girls are going through daddy complexes right now.”

Rafael half-smiled at her. “Do you know why Sonny and I separated?” She shook her head, and he sighed. “Let’s just say it’s because I have daddy issues that still haven’t been resolved, and it caused problems we couldn’t outrun or ignore.” He shoved his hands further in his pockets. “Look, Amanda, I can’t fix a lot of things in this world, but if I can provide a stable, consistent, moral, occasionally funny or entertaining father figure for a few kids who need one, I’m more than happy to do it. And so is Sonny.”

Amanda sat on the couch, looking skeptical. “And Marlene is okay with this? I know how much she loves both of you and how attached she is--”

He sank into the chair next to her. “I think Marlene gets it. She wants a mom, and you’re one of a few women who has helped to fill that role for her. Your willingness to do the bra shopping and encouraging us to get her more girly things has really stuck with her.”

“I’m ready!” Billie ran into the front room and launched herself at Rafael as though she were still three years old. He  _ oomphed,  _ then chuckled.

“I see! Where’s your sister? Sonny and Marley are waiting for us at the diner!” he told her, checking his phone.

Just then Jesse appeared, hair styled and wearing lip gloss. “I’m ready too. Where are we going after we eat?”

“To the zoo,” he told her. “Ready?”

She nodded, and Amanda got up to get the door for them. “Have fun, girls...and listen to Uncle Rafi and Uncle Sonny. And be nice!”

“We will!” Billie told her, hugging her quickly, and Jesse gave her a quick hug and a kiss goodbye.

“We’ll text you,” Rafael promised, and Amanda winked at him as he shut the door.

***

“Hey you guys,” Marley greeted them, jumping on their bed after her shower. Her pj’s were stuck to her from her half-hearted drying job. Pru trotted up the steps next to the bed, then trudged across the mattress and blankets to lick Marley’s face. Marley giggled, moving the dog away. “Thanks for taking us to the zoo today.”

“You’re welcome,” Sonny told her, walking by and ruffling the curls in her hair. “Did you have fun?”

“Yes, Daddy! You know I did! Cause both you and Papi were there. No more separations!” She scratched Pru’s back as Sonny pulled on a tee shirt to sleep in and Rafael spit out toothpaste and rinsed his mouth.

“And you understand why Jesse and Billie came along, right?” Rafael asked.

Marley nodded. “Jesse’s really sad that her dad isn’t around, I know. She says all the time she hates him and that Daddy shoulda been her dad. She even said that she bets that Daddy and her mom used to have--” She suddenly stopped talking, as though she realized her audience, and altered what she was saying. “Um, I mean...she wondered if Daddy and Aunt Amanda ever dated. I think she maybe wants to think her mom is wrong, and Daddy is really her dad.”

Sonny and Rafael were looking at each other as Marley talked, and when she finished, Rafael asked, “Did she say any of that today?”

“No. Just before. You guys know she wanted you to get a divorce so Daddy could marry Auntie ‘Manda, right? But I told her that wasn’t gonna happen no matter what.” She shook her head and gave a small laugh. “I don’t think she gets that Daddy is way gay and so NOT into girls,” she explained, and Rafael bit his lip to keep from laughing at the expression on Sonny’s face. “Plus,” she continued, “both of you like sex stuff together way too much. I tried to tell her that, but I don’t think she wanted to believe me.” 

Now Rafael choked on his laugh and Sonny snorted. “We like what too much?” he asked. “And how would you know, little girl?”

“Cause I always gotta go to bed early and stay in my room and stuff! And that time when I was little and I found that lube. Why would two adult men have lube in their bedroom, I ask you?” Seeing their expressions, she exclaimed, “I know what that is, you know! I’m not a baby. I may not know about everything you do, but one day I’ll figure out where things go and how they work when there’s not a woman.” They were staring at her, mixes of horror and amusement on their faces. “And also I can hear you sometimes...you’re not so quiet!”

“I don’t believe you,” Rafael told her, and Sonny closed his eyes, knowing what was going to happen.

“‘Oh  _ soleado _ ,’” she said teasingly, “‘do it just like that...I  _ love  _ it when you do that’,” she giggled as Rafael’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. Turning to Sonny, she said, “He loves your kisses, Daddy! And whatever else guys do in sex! Gross!” She jumped off the bed, still giggling. “Somebody don’t forget to tuck me in, guys!”

Marley ran out of the room, leaving Sonny and Rafael staring at one another and trying not to laugh too hard. “Glad you’re home yet?” Rafael asked him, shaking his head and stepping up to his husband to kiss him.

“So, so glad to be home,” Sonny replied, chuckling and kissing Rafael back. “There’s no place like it.”


End file.
